Section One
Friday,
March 18, 2005
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Issue 11
Fri, Nov 20, 2009
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Dear Glenn |
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| by Glenn Pressel, M.A, LMHC, LMTF | ||
| Dear Glenn,
I need a reality check. Ive been in a relationship for two years. At first I didnt want a relationship with him but he won me over with flattery and kindness. The relationship went well for the first few months. After six months we moved in together and thats when it began to get stressful. We started fighting over little things. I learned early on that Rick had to win the arguments or hed stay up pressuring me. Most of the time they were so inconsequential that I gave in just to keep the peace. About a year ago we got into a fight that got out of hand. I told him I hated him and he got so angry he pushed me down the last five or six steps I was on. We talked about it afterwards and he apologized and said he just got carried away because I made him so angry. Things seemed to go good for a while after that. Then one night about six months ago I was out late with a coworker who was breaking up with his partner. I went out to give him support. When I got home Rick was livid. He demanded that I not see this guy ever again and refused to believe that we didnt have sex. Things went from bad to worse and we started in again and this time he got real angry and he grabbed me by my wrists and yanked me down in a chair. When I tried to get up I was hit on the side of the head. I told him the next day that I was done with the relationship. He cried and told me how much he loved me and that he just got carried away. That I should realize how much he loves me and that I just shouldnt go out with other men. His crying got to me and he promised it would never happen again. I believed how sincere he was so I decided to stay. Now Im beginning to wonder about the wisdom of my decisions. Its hard to see my friends because he hates them all and gets jealous if I see any of them. Last week he found out I had lunch with a guy who lives in our building. It was an innocent date. I was eating lunch and he saw me there so we decided to eat together. My mistake was not telling Rick about it. When we ran into this guy in our hallway the other day he thanked me for a nice lunch and asked if Rick and I wanted to see his apartment. Rick said we would and so we did. It seemed that they were hitting it off but when we got back to our apartment he went ballistic. Threatening and telling me never to see him again. He said if I did it would be my fault if he lost his cool and had to hit me again. He said he doesnt want to hit but he might have to if I didnt start respecting him more. I know he has an anger problem. I love him so much though I figure I should be able to do what he wants but lately Im not sure. He questions me whenever anyone calls and hes installed caller I.D. so he can keep track of the calls. He says this is so he can trust me. Glenn, I need some help. What can I do to convince Rick that I love him and Id never be unfaithful to him? His jealousy is too much sometimes and I know if he could get over this he would be easier to live with. Merle Dear Merle, I really feel for you because you are in a tough spot. You love Rick but it seems that Rick has an abusive streak when he gets jealous and angry. My belief is you both need some help. You are in a domestic violent relationship. Rick is showing some classic traits of an offender. He blames you for his violence, he is threatening you in an escalating manner and he is cutting you off from your support systems. No matter how much you love him you cant change his behavior. Only he can do this and he needs to come to terms with this before anyone gets more seriously hurt. Rick is doing what is so common in domestic violence. He gets abusive, then is remorseful and promises it wont happen again but it does. I believe his apologies are real but he still needs help. Apologies dont change behavior. Owning his own anger and finding healthy ways to express it is what will help him. Domestic violence is usually a progressive behavior. It starts off with a few judgments, then some shoving or hitting and it escalates into being controlled by being more dependent on him as he cuts off your support network. I strongly suggest you move out. If there can be a future between you he needs some help with this and he can only get it if he admits he has a problem. The only other way he would get help is if he is required to by law. That could happen if he gets violent again the police are called in for domestic violence. Dont wait for the next round of abuse to get the help you need to deal with this. I would suggest you line up a few friends who would be willing to help you move but dont tell Rick until the move out time. I dont know if he could handle you moving out without getting violent and I would hate to see you get hurt any more. After that you can talk to him by phone or by mail to tell him why. He might take this as a wake up call and get some help. Resist the urge to go back with him until he finishes a domestic violence program. If you dont you are putting your life at risk. You also should seek some help. Being involved on the receiving end can damage your self-esteem and you need to work through your own issues that inevitably get created by being an abuse victim. Seattle Counseling Service (206-323-1768) has a domestic violence program for gay men and women. This could be a resource for him and for you. Glenn Dear Glenn, Ive been dating this man for two years now. We see each other only on weeknights. At first he told me it was because his job made him work on the weekends and he needed his sleep those nights but after about 4 months of going out I saw him with another guy at a club on a Friday night. He said it was just a friend but eventually I discovered it was his lover and the reason he only saw me on weeknights was because his lover was in sales and traveled every week. I should have just washed that man right out of my hair but he is so cute and fun to be with. The sex with him is what really keeps me there. It is the best sex Ive ever had; were just so compatible I cant imagine ever finding that again. Hes told me that he wants to be with me and that his partner knows about us but they cant break it off right now because they are so financially dependent on each other. He says his partner has lots of friends on the road so its no big deal. They have an open relationship I guess. Ive never wanted to be in an open relationship (call me dull and old-fashioned) but Im considering going along with it. Im confused though, I dont want to be the other woman yet Im falling for this gentleman. I know hes still cruising the parks sometimes and hes told me hes going to still see other guys too. My friends all think Im crazy, that he will never leave his partner. What do you think? Youve said in the past that love is hard to find so should I hold on to what I got and not expect more? Do you think hell leave his partner? Confused on Queen Anne Dear Confused on Queen Anne, I dont have a crystal ball so I dont know if this relationship has a future or not. I will say though that you need to think this through some more. If he hasnt left his partner after two years of dating you I have my doubts a much as your friends that you will ever have him in an exclusive relationship. I can understand the sex being so good that you will overlook your values you have for yourself, i.e. a monogamous relationship. I can also understand if you are satisfied seeing him four or five nights a week. Is this what you want out of a relationship for yourself? What happens on holidays? Who does he vacation with? Who do you vacation with? What will happen if his partner stops traveling? You seem to be his second priority. Is that enough for you? For now it seems hes being honest with you in regards to his interest in seeing other men. Is this OK with you? I ask these questions because it seems that you are giving your heart to a man who may not ever give you want you want. You want a relationship; he can give you a limited one at best. Is that in your best interests? Glenn Glenn Pressel, LMFT, LMHC is a therapist in private practice with the Arboretum Counseling Associates, a clinic serving the sexual minority community. Their number is (206) 324-9378. Send questions to Glenn at gapressel@msn.com or 3136 E. Madison, Ste. #100, Seattle, WA 98112. Please screen letters for identifying information. |
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