Section One
Friday,
March 25, 2005
Volume 33,
Issue 12
Sat, Nov 07, 2009
IN THE SGN
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Arts & Entertainment
Dear Glenn |
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| by Glenn Pressel, M.A, LMHC, LMTF | ||
| Dear Glenn,
Ive never written before but I read your column and I get how you think and approach issues so of course I want to have your thoughts. This is one of those relationship issues (that I hope your not tired of). I met R almost a year ago. We had a slow start to falling in love (we didnt even have sex for almost two months), I just wasnt sure that he was someone I was into. But we sort of grew on each other. Now I wonder how I was so dense not to see him for the amazing man he is. Hes someone I respect and love, it feels like hes so much the person Ive been looking for. At the beginning of February we moved in together. The first month was bliss, we really made a nest together and it seemed we were so much on the same wavelength. Then around the beginning of March things started to change, I cant really tell you what but I began to feel a cooling or a distance on his part. Ive tried to bring this up but he denies feeling this way. Its just little things; hell go to bed without asking if I want to, hes come home late a few times and didnt bother to call or tell me why he was late and felt angry when I brought it up. (I dont think hes seeing anyone else, hes not like that.) Theres just this cooling, a distance that is just under the surface that no one else would notice but I feel it. I grew up being told that I was too sensitive and so Im sensitive to that. R hasnt said that Im being too sensitive but he seems annoyed when I say something is different. I just feel the holding back at times. I know Im someone who needs and seeks out emotional honesty, without it I dont feel safe. Im confused as to what this all means and if there is anything I could or should do about it. What do you think is going on with me? M Dear M, The only thing I can tell whats going on with you is that youre feeling something and arent sure what it is. You are sensing a pulling back from R but may not know what it really means. Just because he denies it does not mean its not happening or that hes even particularly aware of it. From his point of view he may not have any issue with you but none the less you are intuitive enough to feel a change in the emotional climate. Of course the big fear here is that he may be slowly drifting apart. It may also be more indicative of Rs need for emotional intimacy is different then yours. Its not uncommon that two people loving each other would have different levels or needs of emotional intimacy and connection. Some people need intense levels of intimacy for things to feel right and others need less to distant levels. We are all different. One is not right and another wrong its just different. Do you trust that if an issue was up for R that he would talk to you about it? Have you had any sharp words or fights yet? To get through those little skirmishes is very important. If they are buried and not resolved it can fester and the big drift happens which can be deadly for a relationship. If you get through them by talking them out then you can begin to trust that nothing is going on. Its normal that when couples first live together that they are more attentive to one another, that does fade some to a level that should be sustainable for you both. That might all be what is going on here and there is nothing to worry about. If its more than that your emotional antenna will start beeping louder and you will start to have some fights. I suggest giving R the benefit of the doubt here and trust that he will bring something up if theres a problem. If it continues to bother you, trust your feelings and talk about it more with him. Youre both new to living together and even though youve dated for several months you are getting to know each other in a new way and getting to know each others emotional rhythms. Glenn Dear Glenn, This may seem like a duh! kind of question but I dont have a lot of experience in the sexual world and I dont know where else to turn. Im out of a long relationship (12 years) now and Ive just started getting out and having sex again with men. Prior to my relationship the climate around sex was very different. Everyone used condoms. Now it seems that no one uses condoms. Im uptight about not using them when having anal sex. I wont use them with oral sex and even then I feel a bit nervous but I definitely feel nervous not using them with anal sex. Is it okay not to use them anymore for anal sex? It seems that most guys dont seem to worry or even ask they just expect to have unprotected sex these days. I feel like Im on another planet. Ive tried saying something and got stares of rejection. Whats the protocol for safe sex these days? Should I be worried? I Must be Getting Old Dear I Must Be Getting Old, Yes you should be worried, last I heard the HIV infection rate was climbing again due to the relaxed mores about condoms. I know that bare backing is very vogue these days but there are still lots of guys out there, hopefully the majority, who arent willing to gamble with their health that way. You have every right to insist on using condoms. You may get rejected but you probably wont get infected. Besides you wont be able to enjoy sex if youre worried about HIV. Sex is something to enjoy not worry and panic over. The best protocol is to have the condom conversation well before you end up in bed. Thats not the time to have it. Have it before you go there so you both can make the decisions that are right for you. It will make sex easier and more enjoyable for you both. Glenn Glenn Pressel, LMFT LMHC is a therapist in private practice in Seattle, his number is (206) 324 9378. Send questions to gapressel@msn.com or 3136 E. Madison, Ste. #100, Seattle, WA 98112. Please screen letters for identifying information. |
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 GENERAL GAYETY Leslie Robinson |
 LESBIAN NOTIONS Paula Martinac |
