Sex Talk:
Friday,
March 25, 2005
Volume 33,
Issue 12
Fri, Nov 20, 2009
IN THE SGN
SECTION ONE
Front Page
MORE/ALL
SECTION ONE
STORIES
SECTION TW0
Arts & Entertainment
by Simon Shepard |
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| Speaking of preplay negotiation | ||
| Queer guys arent mind readers (except, of course, for a homo psychic or two). As much fun as it can be to be surprised during sex, most of the time its good to know at least a bit about what youre getting yourself into. And that goes double for scenes that are going to get kinky.
Thats what preplay negotiation is for: finding out what the other guy wants to do, and letting him know what youre ready, willing, and able to put out. Where hard dicks and hot desires are concerned, that can be tougher than it sounds. How can you let your lust object know your limits without sounding pushy or prudish? And what can you do to make it more likely youll both eventually get what you want? Clearly, clarity counts. Whether youre talking to a hunk at a bar or setting things up by e-mail, its a delicate balance to be definite about what you want without being so persnickety that you scare off Peter Potential. Phrasing things in an Id like to helps. List possibilities rather than make demands. Dont let your mouth write a check your ass cant cash. When I get real horned up, I like to talk kinkier than I really am, says a 30-ish fellow whos already pretty twisted. Ill advertise for things that are more extreme than Id probably want to do, then be relieved when nobody takes me up on my offer. And dont demand a blow-by-blow account of whats to come. One kinky Daddy confides, If a bottomboy wants to know every detail of what Im going to do to him, it makes me suspicious. Often, a guy like that doesnt really intend to play, just to stoke his jerk-off fantasies. Says another guy whos been around the block, I think theres a tendency on the part of men to say damn near anything in order to get laid. And that can lead to some serious misunderstandings. Often, a man will tell a prospective partner things that arent quite true, figuring theyll work things out once they get undressed. If you dont particularly like to fuck ass, but you really want to get in a total bottoms trousers, how far are you willing to go to please him? And when it comes to kink, expertise counts. Someone looking for an experienced bondage top to put him in full restraints may be disappointed when his master turns out to be a newbie who can barely tie a square knot. (Agreeing on the use of a safeword - an unlikely-to-be-said-otherwise word that signifies Stop! - can help keep things within a kinky bottoms bounds, even during role-playing scenes.) Yes, honesty is the best policy, but honesty can go too far. It might be wiser to dish out some information on a need-to-know basis. If somebody wants to suck your toes, its best to let him know ahead of time you have athletes foot. But if sucking cock, not toes, is on the menu, you might want to not mention it, and just keep your socks on. When it comes to more serious stuff, like HIV, you definitely should be forthright, but dont depend on the other guy being accurate - some HIV-positive folks dont even know theyre infected. Conversely, some barebackers will just assume theyre already positive when theyre not...yet. Depending on possibly dishonest info can imperil safety: If someone says hes HIV-negative, for instance, how do you know its true? So use a rubber, OK? When it comes to nookie, you can always just wing it. Some free spirits insist on it. But whether setting up a safeword or discussing kissing, a preplay chat can not only set the scene, it can get all parties concerned hot and ready to roll. So try talking it out. Thats what your mouth is for. Well, one of the things, anyway. Simon Sheppard is the author of In Deep: Erotic Stories and Kinkorama: Dispatches From the Front Lines of Perversion, and can be reached at SexTalk@QSyndicate.com. Visit Simon at www.simonsheppard.com. |
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 GENERAL GAYETY Leslie Robinson |
 LESBIAN NOTIONS Paula Martinac |
