Section One
Friday,
April 8, 2005
Volume 33,
Issue 14
Fri, Nov 20, 2009
IN THE SGN
SECTION ONE
Front Page
MORE/ALL
SECTION ONE
STORIES
SECTION TW0
Arts & Entertainment
Dear Glenn |
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| by Glenn Pressel, M.A, LMHC, LMTF | ||
| Dear Glenn,
I read with interest, your column in the March 11 issue of the SGN. The letter from Lonely Disabled Man struck a cord with me. It reminded me of my second partner. Several months after the breakup of my first partnership, I placed an ad in the SGN seeking a LTR with a genuine, open, honest man. I received a few replies, and one came from a guy named Dana. I met Dana, and when I first saw him, I was unimpressed, but went on a short date with him. By any means, Glenn, Dana was not attractive physically. He was short, a bit dumpy, had acne scars on his face, horribly crooked teeth and stringy uncontrollable hair. Because of the crooked teeth, he spoke with a lisp. So the cover of this book was not at all physically attractive. But, oh my God, what a fantastic guy. I found him to be warm, loving, caring and giving. We ended up in a monogamous relationship that lasted 18 months. The reason for the breakup was that he thought he may be bisexual and started a relationship with a lady. She ended up being no good for Dana, but that is a whole other story. Dana and I stayed in contact over the years, and he often wished he had stayed with me, as I did, but he indicated that he would not be comfortable as he would always feel guilty about leaving me. When I first met Dana, he had successfully defeated testicular cancer and colon cancer. He had several surgeries. That never affected me; it only made me want to make him even happier. Dana moved to California to be with his sister and his father and to try to start over again. About 16 months age, he called me, and we talked for quite a while. He told me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. He was confident that he would beat it again, but such was not the case. Dana turned 43 on the 4th of February this year, and my Dana died on the 16th of this February. The cancer had moved to both lungs and into his spine, and I know he was in great pain, but he always hid it from everyone. To sum up, Glenn, yes there are some very plastic people in the Gay community who only judge a book by its cover. I no longer do this as I learned first hand that a book with a cover that is not attractive can and does hold a very great story. In this case, a beautiful human being. I love Dana to this day, and I cherish his memory. Please Glenn, tell Lonely Disabled Man to keep trying. He will succeed if he just sticks with it and does not give up. He needs to keep a positive attitude, put a smile on his face and be open and outgoing as my Dana was, and some genuine guy will pick up on it. Hang in there, LDG. Still Mourning my Dana. Dave Dear Dave, First my condolences for your loss of such a genuine man. I can really understand what a tragic loss it is. 43 is way to young to die, cancer is such an awful disease to have to endure. I hope your story allows others to look past the cover and see the wonderful stories that may be underneath. We all have gifts to share and many times it is not our looks. Ive worked with many men who feel like they will never have a relationship because they have been unable or unwilling to look beneath the cover to see whats underneath. I have also worked with many men who had beautiful stories to tell but no one to read them because of their covers. This is an age old issue and one that will not go away any time soon. We all have to find where the true meaning of our lives lies. The letter from Lonely Disabled Man struck a cord with a great many people which is heartening. I dont think I could give him advice any better than you did. Thanks for your letter. Glenn Dear Glenn, I have been reading your counseling advice in the SGN for the last few years. I am not from Washington. I was only passing through and got into trouble and have been in prison ever since. I still have another 10 years to do but thats not even the problem. Let me first tell you that Bryan (my lover) and I had been together since 1987. I was in the service and we traveled around the United States together because we fell in love. Ever since I have been in prison, Bryan and I would write or I would call him collect until about last year. He is harder to call an he used to write a least once a month but lately its been down to a letter every three or four months, if that. I have been in prison for six years and I understand that people cant put their lives on hold, and I was not expecting him to. Shortly after I got arrested he found someone to be with and we both knew that he would find someone to take care of him. But he always told me he loved me, and always wanted to be with me no matter what happened. He always told me about his relationship and how things were going and I told him about the latest person I was with. We always tried to be as honest as we could. Now last month he sent me a letter, not to write or call him. He said that he was finished with me. I know his boyfriend always disliked me and Bryan has been going to counseling. When I would write or call his new friend would tell me to stop writing and calling him and telling Bryan that I still loved and missed him. But I could not because I still love him. At first I did not want to fall in love with him but over time I came around and fell in love with him. Can you please help? Crushed Dear Crushed, It is so hard to lose a true love. It must be even harder because you are in prison. If you werent the two of you might still be together. Bryan has moved on and decided he couldnt wait until you got out. He has found someone else he is building a life with and that is hard to deal with but you have to find a way to let him go or it will tear you apart. Learning how to deal with it means letting yourself grieve he is gone. Grieving is not easy, you may want to make bargains with God to get him back, you may get very angry at both Bryan and his new partner. That is all normal to do. You will certainly go through some depression and sadness over this. Try not to block any of these feelings, instead honor them by giving yourself permission to feel them as intensely as they come. You will then start to come to some acceptance that he is now out of your life. The more you can stay focused on being present in your own life and your life in prison the easier it will be. Make plans about your future once you get released and imagine what you want to get accomplished once you get out. Maintain your relationship with the men you get close to and see that Bryan was but one chapter in your life, not the main story. There will be life after Bryan, trust that you can work through these hard feelings. Glenn Glenn Pressel, LMFT, LMHC is a therapist in private practice in Seattle, his number is (206) 324-9378. Send questions to gapressel@msn.com or 3136 E. Madison, Ste. #100, Seattle, WA 98112. Please screen letters for identifying information. |
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 GENERAL GAYETY Leslie Robinson |
 NOT THINKING STRAIGHT Madelyn Arnold |
