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Lesbian Notions by Paula Martinac

Straight down the aisle
In a few days, my partner, Katie, and I will be driving almost 1,000 miles roundtrip to attend a nieces wedding; two months later, well make the same trip for a second nieces nuptials. I wish I could feel excited about these occasions, but the politically minded lesbian in me simply cant. Oh, I love wedding cake as much as the next person, and Im happy for the young couples. But it would be nice to hear one or both of our nieces say, Until my lesbian aunts have the right to get legally married in this country, I wont be walking down the aisle either. Obviously, thats a fantasy, the kind of heart-wrenching pronouncement that only gets made on Queer as Folk by over-the-top PFLAG mom Debbie Novotny. In real life, few straight people would ever consider such a bold move. Indeed, few people, straight or Gay, ever put their own rights and happiness on hold to make political points about the discrimination of others. I seriously doubt, for example, that many white Freedom Riders postponed getting married back in the days when interracial couples couldnt legally do so. Of course, even my wishing that our nieces would take such a pro-Gay stand could be construed as selfish and too much to ask. Gay people are expected to attend straight weddings with enthusiasm, outstretched checkbooks, and no qualms. But couldnt it be seen as selfish of straight people who support equal marriage rights to continue getting married while their Gay friends and family are forbidden to by law - except in one tiny state? Maybe wanting straight people to stand up for us is a lot to ask. But more and more, it seems clear that queer activism alone on issues like marriage can only take us so far. If a recent poll from the Boston Globe is accurate, the number of Americans who are undecided or neutral about Gay marriage is decreasing - but, unfortunately, theyre deciding to fall into the defend traditional marriage column instead of the equal rights for all one. The radical right has seemingly been doing a good job of scaring folks about our unions supposed threat to heterosexual society. How, then, to get more progressive-minded straight people actively involved on the issue of marriage rights? One way, of course, is to attend all those straight family and friends weddings - instead of, as Gay activist Eric Rofes suggested in frustration a few years back, boycotting them. Our presence at these events is probably more necessary than ever - the face of same-sex relationships is an important one for straight people to see. On the other hand, our absence from such events might be seen as hurtful or, well, selfish - or dismissed as inappropriately political. By attending, we might even insert a bit of politics into these supposedly nonpolitical events. (I say supposedly because the right has made heterosexual marriage a highly political issue.) For our upcoming family weddings, Katie and I will be traveling to Connecticut, a state that just recently passed civil-unions legislation in lieu of marriage, and the opportunity might arise to broach the topic with other family members and guests. Similarly, if you attend a wedding in a state with anti-Gay-marriage legislation, that would be another good topic for wedding-reception discussion. Or consider including with your wedding gift a contribution to an organization like Freedom to Marry (www.freedomtomarry.org); enclose in your card a note about your reason for making the donation. If your relatives or friends are avid readers, a copy of Evan Wolfsons accessible and well-argued Why Marriage Matters: America, Equality, and Gay Peoples Right to Marry would slip very nicely into the box with their blender or vase. Theres also a report from the Human Rights Campaign called To Have and To Hold? Maybe Not, which collects the true stories of same-sex couples who have been denied the protections of marriage. (You can download it at www.hrc.org.) With close friends or family members, you might go a step further and admit that attending a straight wedding at this moment in time - when anti-Gay-marriage sentiment runs so high - is difficult or painful for you. Even though its unlikely theyll call off their own wedding, the couple just might opt to make a public statement in favor of equal-marriage rights at their ceremony or reception. All of these suggestions up the ante on our personal activism. Its one thing to attend a marriage-rights rally or fundraiser; its quite another to ask our loved ones to face the reality of our discrimination on a day thats supposed to be the pinnacle of heterosexual happiness. Yet, without more active support from straight people, were going to hit an impasse on marriage rights - if we havent already. Paula Martinac is a playwright, novelist, and editor in chief of Q Syndicate. She can be reached care of this publication or at LesbianNotions@qsyndicate.com.