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Dear Glenn

by Glenn Pressel, M.A, LMHC, LMTF
Dear Glenn, I have wanted to write so many times but I always figured that my problems were so small compared to many of the problems you deal with but this is one is getting to me. Theres a woman where I work who gets to me for some reason. She will say little comments that seem funny and are clever but I usually feel put down by them. Ive checked out my perceptions with a coworker who says she has felt that way too because of this woman but she just writes it off as that other womans issue. I cant seem to do that. I get really angry and I usually say something I regret and she says something clever again and I just feel attacked again. I need to know how to deal with her. Ill be working very closely with her in a few weeks and Im dreading the thought. Im getting nervous and for the first time dreading to go back to work. Somethings wrong here. Why am I giving her so much power? Why cant I just say thats her and not get so worked up? Steve Dear Steve, I get what youre saying; it bothers you that you dont have a better handle on dealing with difficult people. From what you describe it sounds like her behavior is whats called passive-aggressive behavior. Passive- aggressive behavior is when we are expressing anger in an indirect way. Making a joke in a way that someone feels attacked is a good example of this. She is putting out her anger in such a way it makes it difficult for you to respond; after all it was just a joke right? Wrong, its what happens when were taught never to express anger - it comes out anyway, often in indirect jokes that are masked put downs. Why this is bothering you more than your coworker is a mystery. We are products of our environments so you might have experienced passive-aggressive behavior before, maybe from someone in your family or someone who meant a lot to you. So you are going to be more sensitive to it. If you are feeling some insecurity in your life and you get these comments it can sure feed the insecurity. This does not mean that this is just your problem. Just because you are sensitive to passive-aggressive behavior does not excuse her behavior in the least. I hope for her sake she grows past this behavior because it makes it very unsafe to trust someone like that, as Im sure youve discovered. Even though her abusive behavior is her problem it is yours, too, because you have to deal with it. So lets take your power back. You have a few options for dealing with her. Do nothing, confront her in the old ways or find new ways to talk to her about this. The first two havent worked so now is the time to get more direct. When she does her passive-aggressive number again, say something like this: I understand it must be difficult to talk to me directly about what youre feeling. In the future I would appreciate hearing your feelings directly instead of indirectly through a joke. She will probably blow it off with just another comment but be persistent. After a few responses like this she will begin to hear you. She may never learn a good way of dealing with her anger but she will find another victim. Stay consistent in your message. Let her know you know this is a struggle for her and you will continue to help her with it every time she is out of line until she begins to differentiate between good natured humor and pointed humor. By taking the high road here you will get your power back and you wont have to dread going to work each day. Remember this is about her not you. Your sensitivity to this issue is to her advantage. She can grow with your help whether she wants to or not and you will feel empowered. Glenn Dear Glenn, I just came out to my parents. I had been putting it off for years but after getting in a committed relationship I realized I needed to tell them about me and my life. They came unglued. Mom started crying and my dad got angry that I upset my mother. It quickly went downhill from there. The call ended with me slamming down the phone. We havent talked since and thats been almost three weeks now. This is a big deal because I always call them on Sunday evenings. I guess I shouldve known that theyd have a bad reaction. I have a cousin whos a Lesbian and the comments theyve made about her should have tipped me off. Now I just feel like I blew it with them. My parents are good people and I dont like hurting them like this. I feel awful. I dont know what to do. Should I call them? What would I say now that could make them feel better? Im afraid Ive really hurt and disappointed them. Help. Stranded in limbo Dear Stranded in limbo, Ouch, your parents have let you down and you feel like its your fault. It seems that they have really hurt and disappointed you here not the other way around. When we were kids and our parents got upset we naturally thought we did something wrong to cause it. Its easy to do that with them now that youre an adult. I dont know why your mother started crying but your dads actions are inexcusable. It prevented you and your mom from dealing with this. I can understand why the conversation quickly went downhill. The three of you were locked in parent-child roles that no longer apply. You didnt give your age but Im sure youre an adult. Its too bad your dad couldnt treat you as such. My guess is, youve experienced this before. You saying something that gets your mom upset and your dad riding in and rescuing her. How disrespectful to everyone. If thats the case no wonder you were reluctant to come out to your parents before this. Its hard enough to come out but to be greeted by this stuff makes it that much more difficult. You did not do anything wrong and you did not disappoint them or hurt them. They did this all by themselves. Just because they wanted you to be someone your not is there issue not yours. They need to get past it so they can have an honest relationship with their son. You are the same person youve always been. Hopefully they will come to realize this too. Ideally they should have called you to apologize about their awful behavior but they arent so its up to you to make the first step. You might want to do this one in a letter so you can compose what you want to say and they have time to read it a few times before responding. After that follow it up with a phone call to continue the discussion, with the caveat they can talk like adults and not parents. You are not their little boy any longer and the sooner they understand that the sooner the three of you can work through these issues in a way that is respectful to all three of you. If this is not possible because they are too stuck or cant meet you half way, you got some grieving to do. If that happens share your grief and disappointment with them in a letter so they know why you are pulling away. Dont pretend everything is OK when its not. This is the best way for things to get back on track and the best way to have a healthy relationship with your parents. With all of that said, I want to share a phenomenon I have seen over and over when a child comes out to parents. They feel instant guilt or fear and turn it into anger and judgment. Kind of like killing the messenger. If thats the case, give them some time, most parents usually come around and become accepting of their chi lds orientation. Glenn Glenn Pressel, LMFT, LMHC is a therapist in private practice in Seattle, his number is (206) 324-9378. Send letters to gapressel@msn.com or 3136 E. Madison, e. #100, Seattle, WA 98112. Please screen letters for identifying information.