SGN Page 45

The Wockner Wire by Rex Wockner


Pheromones A new study from Sweden may confirm something I know from plain old experience my nose is involved in who I do and do not become smitten with. According to last weeks Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers at Stockholms Karolinska Institute olfactorily exposed straight men and women and Gay men to chemicals derived from male and female sex hormones. When the subjects sniffed a chemical derived from testosterone, the sexual-activity areas of the straight womens and Gay mens brains got excited while the same areas of the straight mens brains did not. To further test their theories, the scientists also made the subjects sniff lavender and cedar, which resulted in no changes in their brains sexual-activity areas. This seems right, for as far as it goes, but I believe theres more for scientists to discover. I believe love and lust may interface significantly with my nose. My nose may have led me to fall for men who were not right for me. It may have made me highly attracted to men I was otherwise only mildly attracted to. The smell between Jacks furry pecs. The smell when John took off his shirt and lifted an arm. A whiff of Jims foreskin. (Names changed to protect the odiferous.) Theres an infinite number of men my eyes find attractive. But from among that group, theres a vastly smaller number I could become smitten with. While such things as intelligence, worldview, personality, attitudes, lifestyle and the way they move massively come into play, if you level out all these things, my nose may determine who is and isnt resistible. If I were looking to live a calm, predictable life, the first thing I would do is vow to never let my nose get within five feet of another male. Judy Judy Garland is the North Star of my constellation, singer Rufus Wainwright told Londons Gay Times in April. Im a massive fanatic and unashamedly so, he said. I feel that she is, perhaps, one of the greatest examples of the well-rounded megastar. She had it all in terms of singing, acting, personality and tragic lifestyle. She was the real deal. In light of recent columns in which I professed to be post-Gay and even suggested people perceive me as straight, it only seems fair to share my Judy Garland story now... Until I got to college, all I knew of Judy was The Wizard of Oz, which my straight brother and I watched on NBC every year as kids. Freshman year in the dorm, there was a guy down the hall who had piles of Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland albums. In the dorm, we were always sharing music, so I brought a stack of his Judy and Barbra albums to my room one day. I put the Judy At Carnegie Hall album on my turntable, having no idea what to expect, and was hooked immediately. This was four years before I had any clue I was Gay. Is Judy genetic? Some of the older Streisand albums were nice, too. I acquired some Judy vinyl myself and listened to it for a few years before losing interest. But now I wonder, did I lose interest because I later realized how überGay these albums are, and because I sort of naturally distanced myself from Gay culture over the years, opting for a less narrowly focused life? Or did my tastes just change? Why did I abandon Judy? Simple embarrassment? I mean, my boyfriends and Gay friends always have fallen into the straight-acting camp and either had no apparent interest in Judy, or probably wouldnt have admitted it if they did. So many questions. Yes, it was time. This morning, I dusted off and hooked up my 1979 Technics Direct Drive Automatic SL-3200 turntable. I went to the shed and found the Judy At Carnegie Hall double album. I put it on the turntable, carefully cleaned it with a 20-year-old bottle of Realistic Professional Antistatic Record Cleaner Fluid, cleaned the needle with some red stuff from a different bottle that no longer has a label, set the tone arm to track at 1.5 grams, zeroed out the anti-skating, and carefully set the stylus down on the record. For the next 90 minutes or so, as I answered the mornings e-mails, Judy went through her repertoire. Can I be post-Gay and still admit that Judy At Carnegie Hall kicks ass? Maybe it is genetic, like those sex smells. Youd have to take a bunch of twentysomething fags whove never heard of Garland and do a lab experiment to figure out if theres something in Gay brains that naturally responds to her. As far as I can tell, Judy is my only recognizably Gay component. I mean, Im not into shopping, hookup sex, drag, camp, leather, pride parades, circuit parties, bars, baths, rainbows, opera, bear contests, girl talk, and on and on and on. And yet, Judy ... and some newer Cher CDs as well. So sue me.