May 26, 2006
Volume 34
Issue 21
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Saturday, May 30, 2020



Lipstick and Lust
Love lost, lust gained, flirting, and finally, finally
So, the birthday party for second sweetie fell short (oh, honey, it's SO good to have a harem working for The Kid!), and thus, 'second sweetie' (who was actually 'third sweetie'), is history now. And chile, good riddance to all of that drama! Sort of like living my own, personal soap opera, but it all ended well, in that 'core sweetie' and 'second sweetie' rallied around yours truly and helped me cope, get over the little 'heart boo boo' and move the flip on with life. Like I said, it's good to have a 'harem' dahling, especially when the going gets strange.

And, guess what this little adventuress did last Wednesday evening (instead of staying home and watching the season finale of 'CSI:New York')? She finally achieved her ultimate fantasy (the other ones are pending luvvie!), of being an 'art model' for a group of the nicest students, who even thanked me for the privilege of being allowed to draw me in the altogether! Fabustonishing to be sure! Oh, and believe me, it's a lot harder than it looks, sitting in one position while one is drawn, doncha know. I'll be doing it again for the next two Tuesdays and again on Wednesday at a local art studio on the Hill, in a few more months. Here's to being fifty and gorgeous baby!

So, did I get any new cosmetics to try and tell you about? Well certainly my dears, certainly. First, I have to recommend the Fekkai Shine Cream for hair that you can pick up at Sephora. It's light, makes your hair wanna jump up and kiss you, and looks so good you'll want to go out and start something risque right away! And I also highly recommend Origins' 'Once Upon a Shine' sheer lip gloss in 'Passion'. A color even a butch could love, and it smells like mint, so kissing someone will be even more pleasurable, since your lips will look and taste yummy. Pick this and their 'Checks and Balances' cleansing cream (which is so rich you only need use a tiny bit to clean even the most intense makeup off) up at Nordstroms, and say 'hi' to those delightful girls in MAC and at the perfume counter when you do. Also, do try the new fragrance by Tommy Bahama, 'Very Cool' and Michael Kors' 'Island', both of which are just perfect for Spring and Summer, when you want lighter scents.

Finally, every year this time, when the weather gets warmer and everyone tosses their boots, old, beat up sports shoes and other typical Northwest footwear to the back of the closet, I write my 'no monkey toes, please' recommendations. And what that means, put simply is, honey, if you're baring your toes, and I've got to see them, then polish them (and yes, that includes you guys who think you're looking really fly, until my eyes get down to the toes-foot fetish, you know?), polish them, polish them. My recommendations for truly sexy feet (especially your toes)? Try Hard Candy's line of absolutely glam polishes (I'm wearing their sparkly red right now!), which you can pick up at Sephora, or you can get some of those tiny bottles of polish (which come in just about every color you can think of) at ARIAS Salon, on Pike Street, near The Wild Rose. Or heck, splurge for a pedicure at Polished or Salon Dewi (located on Pine, near 14th), and really wow us people who adore cute feet.

Heck, even Jane and Wet'n Wild make some splendid polishes, as does Sephora, so keep that in mind if you're going to bare those 'little piggies' my dears (and boys, if color's not your thing, clear's good, just no monkey toes, 'kay?). And now, for my fans in high places (a wink and a nod to a certain Stonewall Democrat, who told me recently she not only reads this column, but finds it 'adventurous'), as well as you other charmers, open wide for another shot of 'Prayerland'.

As with all days that start out as way south as ours did, things were just zipping along, with us starting to coalesce into a fairly friendly sortie, with Jeremy and Lisa chatting it up about 'old times' and ribbing each other over things that I knew nothing about. Things she'd hinted at about him, but never just come out and said to me, in front of him, directly. I started to feel that familiar 'lone wolf' mood come over me, the one where I think of the covers of old pulp novels, where the anti-hero's wearing a leather jacket, looking all James Deanish and cool. Except underneath, he's lonely and really just wants someone to love him for who he is deep inside. That kind of shit. So, after finally noticing that the conversation was missing something, namely any kind of comment, even a grunt, from me, Lisa stopped dead center in the middle of a street in a not so great part of our little corner of hell-that-had-once-been-Seattle.

'What the fuck's got up your ass, missy,' And that was the spark my kindling needed, had been needing since the moment I walked in and saw her and my wife all curled up like pencil shavings in my bed (the one Jelly and I had dragged out of one of the abandoned apartments, several years ago, when one of the Ethiopian tenants-who had broken her lease by selling some plant that got people high, that was legal in her country, but not in this one-had been evicted). I dimly remember Jeremy's hand grabbing the back of my sweatshirt and me biting him, his outcry, all in the space of two heartbeats, then I had socked Lisa a good one in the stomach, and pushed her into the broken pavement, determined to make her pay for the planet-sized hole in my gut that had been growing more fucked up all day. 'Bitch, bitch, I bring you home and you fuck my wife, you, you&.' I was all fury and hurt and would have probably made a good attempt at killing her, if one, she wasn't from the same scrappy place I was from, so she knew how to street fight, and two, Jeremy, risking life and limb, using the unfair advantage of his larger size, pulled us apart like an upset pet owner separating two squabbling cats.

'Fuck you, it was her idea, and she called your bloody name when she came,' that almost evened the odds and Jeremy had to use all the energy he had to keep me from going at Lisa again, and even still, I got off a grand kick to her knee, sending Lisa to her knees in pain. 'Stop, stop it you two brats, just&' And pow, I punched him, expecting him to let me go, but piss on me, he hit me back so hard, I actually swore later that I had seen a few stars, like in the oldtime cartoons. Then, ruffled and riled like a trio of fighting cocks, we just stood there, rubbing our respective wounds, huffing and puffing, not sure if we were done, and yet, sure we didn't want to keep this going either. 'Look, the object&.the reason we're out her is Jelly, remember her, your wife, our host, along with this one&'Jeremy was still holding me by the front of my shirt and he shook me in Lisa's face for emphasis. I wanted to hit him again, but the look in his eyes, of fear, anger, and a deep, deep exhaustion, stopped me. What were we fighting about anyway, when my wife, my soul and my heart was somewhere in this ripped up city trying, by herself, to sort out, what we couldn't sort out even as a trio. 'Yeah, right, c'mon, let's get&' I rubbed my cheek, where Jeremy had hit me, and also realized he'd held back on that punch (thanks guy, I think, I thought in that secret place no one would ever know of, inside), and was about to pull Lisa to her feet when I saw him. A small, well-dressed man who could have been East Indian, Latino, or maybe from one of the lost tribes of the True Americans (that issue had come up back in the sixes, when our former government was in the last throes of its death dance), who was simply there, a bit of smoke and a strange light disappearing behind him.

'Here, let me help you,' he moved much more quickly than I would have thought possible, if I was judging his age correctly. And looking into his dark eyes, I felt I was looking at someone who'd been alive for aeons, rather than many, many years, someone who'd seen things I couldn't begin to fathom. Those eyes never left mine, as he effortlessly helped Lisa to her feet, not even breaking a sweat, a Mona Lisa smile on his delicately exotic face the whole time. 'Thanks, we were just&' He put up a hand as Lisa started to speak. 'No need, my child, your yesterdays, your tomorrows, this moment, already written for me to see, for you to wonder about. But, I must be going now, much to do and not much time. Toodles,' With that little bit of odd conversation, he walked away from us, again at that unearthly fast pace that made the hair rise up on the back of my neck. 'Trickster,' Jeremy was staring after the man and the word simply floated out of him like a bit of paper on the wind, and we all shivered then, not sure where this day would take us, and now even more determined that we had to find Jelly, and soon.

Vex was staring out of her dirty window at the on again, off again rain, that was now reminding her of a poet she had read once, who described the rain as a woman who kept being sad about a lost love, so kept crying, then straightening up, then crying for days at a time. Yeah, that described the look of things here lately, and for a long time now, she thought, taking a drag on her cig, coughing a bit after. She really needed to give these up, she thought, and took another drag, bit back another cough, cursed silently to herself. How was she going to tell the tenants that most of them would be on the street by month's end, with no hope of any other housing for them being available? Where the hell was she, herself, going to live, because she knew as sure as the rain was changing to a full out storm, that the new owners of the building would certainly not retain her as manager once they got their grubby mitts on this property.

No, they'd bring in some little ass kisser who would never question any of the skewed rules they came up with to 'deal with the problem' of those who lived beneath the notice of the dwellers in the Fortresses of Light. Well, she'd fight the mass eviction this time, she'd talk to Bo, (who knew how to find out about ways to stand up to the huge bureaucracy that the 'housing industry' had become. Yeah, Vex, honey dream on, she chided herself silently and turned away from the window, intent on putting out the cigarette, but a shadow moving in the corner drew her attention and made a thrill of fear creep up her legs. Spider, she thought and wondered if she moved, to get the broom she kept by her door (a vestige of bygone beliefs in women's power and other myths in this time of lack and need), if the thing would shoot across the floor and up her legs, lickety split. She was considering this, when the shadow seemed to shimmer and stood up, became a person, that looked like a spider (which in and of itself, scared her enough to make her want to pee her pants), that was a woman about her age. 'Sit down, Vex, yes, that's your name, I'm Ooma, a member of the High Council of P'I'a'lji, you've probably dreamed about it, no, well, let me tell you&.no, I'm friendly, go ahead, sit, now let's chat, shall we," And so Vex sat (or really, sank to keep from falling), while her guest gently folded her eight legs into a perfect yoga asana, and with her chin resting on her long fingers, started to tell Vex the most amazing story she'd ever heard.

After the little man left, we continued walking, not sure what direction to go in, but determined not to waste any more time, and even more determined to not go home until Jelly was part of our instant family group again. I guess it was this single-minded determination that allowed the menacing group that suddenly stood in front of us, as we made our way through what had become a more alien landscape since the appearance of our strange visitor, to get under our collective radar. 'Well, looky looky here, Tad, if it isn't our two lost lambs from back in the digs,' The massive man, dressed in the black uniform of The Law and his two equally beefy friends stood between us and whatever goal we had in mind before this moment, his face cracked in what might have been a smile on a nicer person. The two buddies took the familiar blocking stance, their eyes locking with mine, and glancing with hatred at Jeremy, sparing a vicious smile for Lisa. I tried to push an earlier experience at the hands of a similar group from my mind, willing myself to keep the eye contact with the lead cop's wicked halflings.

'Hi there, Sean, Lo, Kyle, you boys out for the evening, or on official business,' Damn, Jeremy didn't bat an eyelash, and he was even baiting these three in this game of 'who's got the bigger cock'. Lisa hurried to his side, folded her arms across her chest, stuck out her chin at the one called 'Kyle' and a low laugh sang on the air between us like a challenge. 'Last time I saw you Kyle, you were puking your guts out after finding some crags chowing down on what must have been a baby before they found it. Remember that time, and we had to babysit you for a week after that, because you had bad dreams,' she made the last words sound like a taunt from the playground bully and I could see horrible things leap into Kyle's eyes, things that made me flinch, but instead of showing that, I just stood next to Lisa, my shoulder lightly touching hers, hers returning the touch, only just so. 'Yeah, but we didn't bolt in the middle of an action&right..right fellas,' it was the one called 'Lo, a lanky Black dude, who clearly had joined this group so he could put aside his own 'bad dreams' and other notions about how this world should have turned out, instead of the way it had. The other two, one white, the other, Kyle, bitter looking Latino, scowled at him briefly, then turned the beams back on us, the problem that needed dealing with. 'She's mine&' And with that he ran toward Lisa, his face telling the story of what he intended to do, but Lisa caught him in the groin with her boot, so that instead of her, it was him who went to the ground, with Lisa on him like a wild animal, all fists, feet and a little blade I didn't know she carried slashing, ripping, drawing blood.

I took 'Lo, diving for his legs like I'd seen wild felines do in some old nature films, where they'd take down the weakest gazelle by mauling their hindquarters. And Jeremy, squaring off against what must have once been his pack leader, went for the gusto, with quick jabs and kicks, taking as good as he gave, until one of his feints tricked the older man, Tad (who referred to himself in the third person, a habit that made others hate him), and down he went via a focused jab to the jewels. It was over quickly, with me, Lisa and Jeremy standing shakily above the now unconscious men, one of whom probably needed medical attention, the way his arm and one of his legs were spilling crimson onto the ground of the alley we ended up in.

But we didn't call anyone, we didn't stick around to see if more of these thugs would show up to pick up their fallen, we staggered forth again, this time keeping lookout and trying to stay on streets that looked just a tiny bit safer. And we would have kept on going, even though it was raining like some god hated us by then and it had grown into full night, but a shiny, black car pulling in front of us stopped our flight. I was still going on adrenaline, ready for anything, but when a strange woman, not Jai Lin opened the door and told us to get in, I just gaped.

'Come on, she told me to get you. Hurry, there's more of those Law out here, I saw them a few blocks over, they're looking for some child. And Jai Lin's dad's mad as hell. I heard some of the 'minions' mention you, talking to someone named&Jelly,' My stomach and my heart flipped over and I was suddenly more awake than I've ever been in my life. What did they want with my Jelly? Lisa snapped me out of my momentary daze, by punching me in the shoulder. 'You know what they'll do to her there, come on, Dee come on!' She pushed me into the car, and the door closed, my last vision of 'the real world' being more of The Law chasing Jeremy, him falling, not moving, them dragging him off like a prize to what fate I didn't want to guess.

So, that's it my little lemon bon bons, and do keep reading, because it's only just starting to get interesting, trust me! And keep in mind, all of this will be a book toot sweet, so you're getting to read it first, before it becomes the bestseller I just know it will be, (and the subsequent Hollywood film!). In the mean time, happy, happy birthday to all of you glorious Tauruses, particularly my hero, Craig 'the man' Ferguson, Enya, Lynn, Eliza, and my fave editor, Mr. Raketty. Rock on! Oh, and yes, a very fun time was had at La Pool Party last weekend, when yet another of my fantasies came true, in living, breathing color. Oh yeah! Stay safe, be nice to each other, fight the power of the evil Bush administration's to condemn us all to 'nofreedomsland' and stay in love forever. I sure am honey, I sure am! And e-mail me at Buhbye!

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