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Sex Talk by Simon Shepard

Speaking of awkward moments
"I'd picked this guy up at a bar and taken him home," recalls one fellow. "He was on the young side and kind of inexperienced, but cute and enthusiastic. I'd pulled his pants down and started to go down on him when I noticed something familiar and...well, unpleasant. Turns out he had crabs. He told me that he'd been itching, but hadn't known what was causing it. That sure took the romance out of the evening." Many of us who've been around the block have our own tales of awkward moments, from comic to catastrophic. Sometimes they're physical, like buttplay that gets a bit messier than planned. Sometimes they're emotional, as in one daddy bear's story. "I was playing with a 20-year-old," he says, "when his cell phone rang. It was his mother, wondering if he'd be home for dinner. That made me feel like a real cradle robber." Sexual screw-ups can be funny, too. As one vigorous screwer relates, "My boyfriend and I were going at it hot and heavy when the bed frame collapsed and we landed on the floor. There was nothing to do, really, but laugh, and we did." There are those "goes with the territory" awkwardnesses - for instance, a pesky bout of impotence - that are embarrassing, no matter what nice words get exchanged afterwards. And then there are mishaps with potentially disastrous consequences, like condom failure or that mood-setting candle that catches the drapes on fire. But - whether serious or silly - sex-related stupidities do occur, and getting through them unscathed requires a sense of proportion, a dollop of humor, and a willingness to go with the flow. Still, even the best intentions may not be enough. Continues our crab-finder, "The guy seemed so upset. I calmed him down, and since I luckily had some leftover A-200 in the house, I treated him. Then, after he left, I stripped off the sheets and treated myself as well. The good news is that I never got lice, but the guy didn't answer my e-mails after that, so the bad news is that I didn't get to suck him off." Understandably, a sexual faux pas usually has a greater impact on a new pairing than on an ongoing relationship. But one dominant top says, "I actually get off when a new trick somehow screws up. It makes him seem more vulnerable, and therefore makes me more powerful. A man can be imposingly gorgeous until he farts in bed." Some sexual awkwardness - like being unable to slide shaft into hole, or having to remind a fellator to please watch his teeth - can stem from inexperience, nervousness, or bad communication. In such circumstances, patience and empathy really help. Don't be a drama queen - often, after a moment of regrouping, the fun can resume. Proper preparations can help prevent love-life's little screw-ups, whether readiness is a matter of knowing the right way to use rubbers, or of ensuring that the boyfriend you're cheating on won't get back from his business trip a day early. Not being bombed on drink or drugs helps, too. Who wants a blowjob from a dude so drunk he loses his lunch? But even with all due caution, stuff - as they say - happens. And when it does, it's imperative to remember that gauche Gay moments don't make you any less a stud...even if you fall over while trying to pull off your socks. Most of all, keep in mind that mortification is part of the human condition. Hey, you're already naked, with your erection hanging out. It's no time to get embarrassed. Simon Sheppard is the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at SexTalk@qsyndicate.com. Visit Simon at www.simonsheppard.com.