SGN Page 46

Friday
February 23, 2007
SGN.org

Volume 35
Issue 08

search only SGN online

Thursday, Dec 04, 2008

PREVIOUS EDITIONS

SGN ADVERTISING INFORMATION

site map

Sex Talk by Simon Shepard

Sex Talk: Having fun having sex
One fellow who's done a lot of screwing complains, "Sometimes people act like getting laid is so damn serious...though I guess that's not really puzzling. After all, sex carries a lot of freight. It gets all tangled up with love. Many guys' self-esteem depends on it. In the age of AIDS, it can be literally a matter of life and death. And a lot of us are still dealing with internalized homophobia. But jeez, men, lighten up!" Gay guys get lots of mixed messages when they're growing up. Sex is everywhere, but so is prudery. Dudes who remain virgins are called uptight, but guys who like sex _too_ much are derided as "sluts." And though many men love recreational sex - and even more may crave it - in certain serious circles it's gotten a bad name. With all the sex advice out there, it's easy for a man to feel dissatisfied. The sex you're having isn't technically adept. It's lacking a spiritual dimension. It doesn't fully express the deep love you feel for your partner. It just isn't something enough. And then there's the thrill of the chase, which can be no thrill at all. After a night desperately cruising the bars or trying to make a date online, when a guy finally_does_ score, he can be distinctly out of sorts, the screwing more dutiful than joyous. So what's a horny homo to do? Well, maybe just kick back and enjoy himself. Says our experienced fellow, "When I was young, sex seemed so damn meaningful. Or else, paradoxically, it was anonymous, hurried, and trivial. But now I've come to really enjoy sex - either with my current mate or with a one-time sex buddy - for what it is. I've finally figured out what I like and don't like, and I have nothing much to prove." Sometimes, sex can be both fabulous and funny. It's tough to be grimly self-important when you're giggling. And when you enjoy yourself, odds are your partner will, too. Another man recalls, "I'd just met someone and started having an affair. We were still at the stage where we were trying to impress one another in the sack, and though the sex was good, it seemed kind of mechanical. It wasn't till one night when we had a couple of drinks and started tickling one another that we relaxed enough to really connect." Not everyone is so devil-may-care. As a dude in his 20s says, "Sex is special, and it shouldn't be approached the same casual way you'd stop into the nearest Mickey D's for a quick burger." Still, even sex that's more delicious than nutritious has its charms, and that can be especially true if you vary your diet. Instead of the same old thing, why not try something tasty and new, either with an obliging steady partner or with a kinky stranger? Unusual positions, fun outfits, group sex, sucking in the kitchen - when it comes to erotic variations, the sexual sky's the limit. (And hey, if nobody else is around, you can try all sorts of fun stuff by yourself. Sometimes a bird in your own hand is worth more than chasing after someone else's bush.) Role-playing scenes are another way to escape the mundane. Some may think it silly to play let's-pretend. But to a guy into doctor-and-patient sex, or dressing up in football gear and tackling his partner's backfield, penis-centric playacting is like taking his stiffy to Disneyland. But even perversion has its pretentious pitfalls. As one experienced experimenter observes, "There's a lot of blather out there about how getting flogged is the path to inner wisdom, or how tantric sex is the path to ultimate union. And all that may be true. But if a man just plain enjoys getting tied up or peed on, then that should be enough, right?" And if you're thinking Hey, I'll take vanilla, then that's OK, too. It really is. Forget the "shoulds." Sex is not a competition. You like what you like. And though there are some important rules - be safe, considerate, and consensual, for example - the only person who can decide whether you're having a great time is you. So let others grimly pursue the World's Greatest Orgasm. Ignore the carping of your so-called friends. Don't worry about being respectable or fret about looking ridiculous. And keep in mind that it's not the last time you're going to come - though if it is, don't you want to make it extra-juicy? Sex with a smiley face is, at base, what all sex should be - enjoyable. And there's nothing wrong with having fun. Simon Sheppard is the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at SexTalk@qsyndicate.com. Visit Simon at www.simonsheppard.com.