Friday May 4, 2007 SGN.org |
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Volume 35 Issue 18 |
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Thursday, Aug 28, 2008
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| Ask Michael - 'I can't get a date. What's wrong with me?' |
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by Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC -
SGN Contributing Writer Lately, I have been having many discussions with friends and clients about the issues of being single, dating, and getting into relationships. There is a group of gay men who want to find a good man to date and be in relationship with, yet, they are finding it very difficult to do. The scenarios these men describe are: one or two dates and no return phone call, just a "sex" hook-up (for sex sake or because the other guy is already in a relationship), or all the good guys are taken. This leaves men feeling hurt, empty, frustrated, and questioning their own sense of self and worth. The question I hear constantly is, "what is wrong with me?". There are a couple of things at play in the dating world of gay men. Many gay men are looking for one of the "3 P's": penis, projects, or peers. "Penis" is obvious; guys out looking just for sex. It is no news that the bars and internet are filled with such guys. These are guys who are either single or taken and are just on the prowl for a sexual encounter. "Projects" are the guys who are looking to be taken care of - so to speak. These are the guys who have various issues and are looking for someone to help them or fix them (in a dysfunctional way) and it seldom works! Dating and relationships with these guys tend to be chaotic, one-sided, and unsatisfying. Finally, there are the "peers". These are a group of men who have a level of stability in their lives (jobs, long-term friendships, financially stable etc.). These are the guys who are generally more emotionally available and who have a higher level of what I call, "personal ethics" (as it relates to dating/relationships). They expect friends/partners to pull their own weight and they, themselves, are accountable and responsible for their own actions. The first part of the dating equation is to check your side of the street. Which of the 3 P's do you tend to gravitate toward? Do you know why? If you tend more towards projects/penis, is it due to some belief that you have regarding yourself and your own desirability as a partner? Are you intimidated or shy around certain guys? Are you critical of yourself? Generally, I have found that men who are single longer than they want to be will say, "yes, I want a relationship" and, "no, I don't believe I'll ever have one because I am (fill in the blank)". This is a reflection of a story or expectation that drives behaviors which interfere with you and your ability to connect with another "Peer". The other question is do you tend to be a "project" or a "penis" yourself? Are you emotionally stable and available to develop and maintain a "peer" relationship? Do you run away or engage in self-defeating behaviors when someone wants to be close to you? Do you have a belief system about yourself that is more negative and gets in your way? Any combination of these will prevent you from finding that great guy to date and, hopefully, fall in love with. If you know you are not ready to be a "peer", do what you need to do to get the skills and confidence to do that. Seek professional help, feedback from friends, do some reading, and get out and watch other people. The second piece of the equation is that sometimes the difficulty in getting a date has nothing to do with you! Your side of the street can be clean - you are a "peer". However, you keep bumping into others who are not available. What do you do if you find yourself saying that you are a "peer" and still can't find a date? Most of the men who I find in this situation are looking in the wrong places - bars or internet. They get frustrated because they are not finding like-minded men. Of course it is possible that you find a peer in one of these venues. However, depending where you are looking, the likelihood is lower. Networking with friends is a good way to go. Get out and socialize. Join a group of men who have similar interests to yours. If you don't already, you may consider developing a spiritual practice where you can meet other men who have complementary beliefs. Ask around. My dear friend, Ricardo, always says, "They are not going to come and knock on your door - you have to get out there!". It may seem obvious, but you'd be surprised at the number of times I've heard men say, "I don't know where to meet other gay men except the bars and internet". When you continue to meet unavailable men, all you can do with this is stay in the game and don't allow it to take a major blow to your self-esteem. Too many times, guys in this situation turn it around and get back in the cycle of, "something is wrong with me". It is a natural, yet untrue, default. Yes, hurtful and frustrating. No, not because you are not worthy to date or be in a relationship with. Augusten Burroughs, in the March 2006 issue of Details, wrote an article titled, "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly". He talks about the changes he had to make in order for himself to be an available boyfriend/partner. Augusten also talks about how he turned away many good men due to "their flaws" then came to realize that these were perfectly good men and he turned them away because of what was going on in himself. I refer to this a lot when I tell men that they may not have been turned down because of a defect within them - it was probably something in the other guy who didn't return your phone call. There is much more to be said about this topic and I'd be glad to hear from you about your experiences regarding dating. I'd like to find out what others have to say and what their observations are. I'd also like to hear from the women in our community about their experiences to see if there are any common threads. When all is said and done, there are a lot of great guys out there looking for the other great guys! Get clarity on what your role is in the dating dance and make any necessary changes. Find other venues to connect with and meet men in other ways. Don't give up in frustration. Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC, can be reached at 206-325-4113, by email at askingmichael@comcast.net or by visiting www.michaelraitt.com. |
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International Readers read the SGN in Arabic, Chinese, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Spanish |
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Special Screening! Ravenna United Methodist Church |
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copyright Seattle Gay News - DigitalTeamWorks 2007