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Thursday, Aug 28, 2008
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| Keeping Safe: GLBT Youth and Adults |
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This is a follow-up column regarding GLBT youth, the internet, and safety. In an earlier column (published in the Seattle Gay News, June 22, 2007) a reader questioned the potential safety of a teenager he knew who was identifying himself as, "bi-sexual" and using the internet to, "chat" with others. In my column, I discussed the importance in supporting our youth in getting healthy perspectives about themselves. This is the follow-up to that discussion and I will provide more information about how GLBT youth can support their well-being. Although this is geared toward GLBT youth, it is also very applicable to many GLBT adults as they navigate the internet, dating, sex, recovery, and relationships. From my perspective, "safety" is defined as a set of healthy, "esteemable" behaviors which are reflective of an internal, emotional perspective about yourself that is positive and optimistic. "Esteemable" behaviors are behaviors that give us self-esteem - they make us feel good about ourselves. These behaviors contribute to our safety, success, and our moving ahead to reach our goals and they come from our core beliefs about ourselves. They come from the inside-out. It is important to note that esteemable behaviors reflect how we feel about ourselves - not necessarily how we feel about a situation. This is a key distinction which will become clear. GLBT youth develop esteemable behaviors by first identifying themselves - from their core belief system - as good, worthwhile, loveable, beautiful, necessary, needed people in the world. They see the value and richness in themselves and they do things that contribute value and richness to others and the world. These beliefs are the internal, emotional perspective I spoke about. One way for GLBT youth to promote this positive perspective within is to recognize what shame is. Shame is a negative feeling about who we are (our core self). It is about feeling bad about who we are but it is rarely based in reality! Many, in the GLBT community, carry a lot of shame which takes them away from "esteemable" behaviors. GLBT youth are subject to this shame from segments of society and they develop dysfunctional behaviors (substance abuse, dangerous sex, violent relationships, etc.) to try to cope with this shame - it never works. Depression, anxiety, and destructive behaviors result. Minimizing the affects of shame starts with developing psychological boundaries. This means holding on to that positive outlook about yourself as a GLBT youth even when you feel like no one around you sees your worth. Even in the face of the horrendous, negative messages that you face, you must hold onto the belief that you are beautiful, loveable, and successful. You define your world by who you are - the world doesn't define you! I acknowledge that this can be extraordinarily hard at times but it is critically important. THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING GLBT! I was talking with a client the other day and I found myself saying, "&being Gay is a good thing". This client asked, "How can it be good, being Gay?" I told this client that when we finally accept, love, and embrace ourselves, we can live our lives with integrity and respect and make our lives enjoyable and rewarding. We can experience the love of others. We can reach our goals and contribute to ourselves and the world because we are engaging in "esteemable" behaviors. We can't do that when we are feeling shame and running from ourselves and participating in behaviors that make us feel worse about ourselves which contributes to our depression and anxiety. It is normal to want to be accepted and loved and it starts from within us. It is more than just accepting ourselves. We have to turn that acceptance and self-regard into action. The next step, as I mentioned in my other column, is to bring people into your life that will support you in a respectful way. These are people who will accept and love you and help you sort out the myriad of feelings and questions you have. They will take the time to get to know who you really are. They are not people who will shame you, embarrass you, or pressure you into doing things you don't want to do or being someone you are not. When the time is right, you will get rid of the people in your life that are a negative influence. This is esteemable. There are real threats in the world to GLBT youth. This is undeniable. The next step in being safe is about your physical boundaries. It is true that in different families and communities throughout the country, (and the world) GLBT youth have to hide so they don't get physically hurt or, worse, killed. There is no shame in that. Not coming out in those situations is "esteemable" because you are looking after yourself and valuing yourself enough to not subject yourself to that kind of threat. Have hope that, when the time comes - and it will -- you will be able to surround yourself with people who respect and love you and your life will continue in a positive, rewarding way. Likewise, participating in risky behaviors -- drug abuse, unsafe sex, meeting adults you don't know in secrecy, self-mutilation, violent relationships, etc. - are behaviors that indicate shame BUT, again, shame does not equate with reality! The reality is if you have been doing these things, they are symptoms of the pain you feel but they do not indicate who you really are. The core of you is still very worthwhile and loveable. If you are already doing these things, don't despair. With help and support, you can turn it around. Which comes first, how you think about yourself or the esteemable behaviors? Sometimes you have to start doing esteemable behaviors to make yourself feel better while, at the same time, working on your healthy internal, emotional self so you can do more of the esteemable behaviors. (I know, a little like the chicken/egg dilemma which has confounded people for eons.) Do things that make you feel good - art, music, friends, family, volunteer, educate, join an organization, meet people, travel. Whenever you do something esteemable, consciously relate it to your sense of self-worth, love, and how you are contributing to the world. My experience has been that, for a lot of parents (not all, of course), the fear is not about having a GLBT child. It is about the difficulties their child will face in the world. Again, we can help our GLBT youth by helping them forge a shame-free sense of themselves by encouraging them to look at themselves in a healthy, loving way and supporting and educating them about esteemable behaviors. We can give them something to look towards by living and modeling the perspectives and lives we want for them. This may mean that some parents have their own work to do alongside that of their child. It is true that the course of world events and the richness of cultures have been greatly and positively influenced by GLBT people throughout history. The investment starts within ourselves. When we invest in our own sense of worth, richness, and love we contribute that to the world through our actions. This is what being healthy and safe is about. When we change ourselves, we begin to change the world. We need you! |
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