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Sunday, Jul 06, 2008
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Ask Michael: Gay bashing inflicts deep wounds |
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| Ask Michael: Gay bashing inflicts deep wounds | ||
| Gay bashing inflicts deep wounds
Of late, I have seen too many news articles about recent, "Gay bashings" in and around Capitol Hill and in Seattle. An assault, against anyone and under any circumstances, is heinous. Yet, Gay bashing adds with it another dimension to the toll that it has on its victims. It is an attack on who we are as individuals. Victims cannot help but pick up on the personal message a Gay bashing has in it. This inflicts deep psychological wounds. Several years ago I was bashed and I know from personal experience how disturbing an assault can be to a victim and the people who care about that individual. From this event, I also took away a deep understanding about the importance of dealing with an assault in a healthy way. It is important to note that attacks aren't just about being physically assaulted. Verbal attacks and threats can have as much of a significant impact on a victim as a physical assault can have. Having been physically and/or verbally attacked - or witnessing an attack - can leave someone with a plethora of mixed emotions and, sometimes, subtle or significant changes in behaviors to try to cope with these emotions. For the victim/witness of an attack, it is important to realize that you will experience the following roller-coaster of emotions: fear, depression, doubt, self-blame, anger, relief. You will either excessively run scenarios and questions through your head with a bunch of, "should haves/should not haves" or, "Why me? How did this happen?" or even, "I deserved this because&". You may attempt to push all of this down and ignore all the thoughts and the event itself. You may try to get on with life as, "normally" as possible and hold all that has happened to you tightly inside without sharing it with important people in your life. You may find yourself isolating from loved ones or not engaging in the activities that used to bring you joy. Your sleeping and/or eating habits may change and you may find yourself consuming mind-altering substances more than you did before. You may find yourself having extreme emotional responses to things that never bothered you before or to events or people when it doesn't make sense to have those kinds of reactions. We call this, "hypervigilance". On the other end of the spectrum, you may be having little or no reactions to events or people when these should elicit some kind of response. Your emotions may become blunted. You would be surprised but sometimes, for some people, these symptoms manifest themselves shortly after an attack. For other people, it may take months or years for these thoughts and behaviors to surface. In some cases, you may have thought that you dealt with it and it unexpectedly resurfaces sometime down the road and you may not have even put the two things together. Many victims of Gay bashing never share their experiences or pain with others because of the shame associated with it. All of these are normal responses and reactions and they point to the fact that an assault has had a profound effect on you. All of these indicate that you need perspective and help processing and dealing with what has happened to you so you can resume living your life with joy and achieving the goals you have. The first step is to acknowledge the assault and then find the willingness to understand its effect upon you. Then, make the commitment to heal from the assault. You can do this at a pace which promotes your healing and doesn't flood you or overwhelm you. Don't be afraid to confront it and deal with it. For most of us, it doesn't just go away. When we try to pretend it didn't happen or that we've dealt with it, it just slowly poisons us emotionally. Find a good therapist, clergy, or other professional who will guide you and support you in this process. You will know they are good because they come from a position that eliminates the shame you feel and they will give you the strategies and a perspective to heal from this trauma. They will provide you with the structure and safety you will need to deal with your outrage that this has happened to you. (I know many of you are saying, "Hmmm, I don't feel outraged." but, for most of us, it is deep down inside us when we are victims of an assault and it is normal and healthy to deal with it.) I have intentionally left out family and friends from the list above. Not because they do not play an important role in your healing - they do! Due to the nature of the emotional attachment friends/family have, their role will be different. A skilled professional will help you define those roles and give you the skills to pull these people in to help you. Fear is an important, necessary emotion under certain circumstances. However, don't let fear get in the way of you dealing with being the victim of an assault and getting the help you need. Parts of your personal healing will be very difficult but in the long run, it will be very worthwhile and you will be better for it. I speak from experience. |
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