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Sunday, Mar 21, 2010
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Ask Michael: Heartbreak and the psychopath |
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| Ask Michael: Heartbreak and the psychopath | |
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by Michael Raitt -
SGN Contributing Writer More and more I am hearing about women and men in the LGBT community (and the straight community as well) who, for a number of reasons, are going to the internet to find love and then losing a lot more than a dream. While internet dating is fine in principle, people need to be reminded that psychopaths are lurking out there, looking for lonely, frustrated, closeted individuals to prey upon. This is not an article sounding the alarm that, "oh my God, the sky is falling" and you should never date online and end any online romance. Rather, it is a reminder to people to be aware. It will be obvious, too, that this applies to people you may meet in person as well and not only for those dating online. You might think that "psychopath" is a harsh term. It is usually associated with murderers, rapists, serial killers, etc. This is not always the case. There are psychopaths among us and they are so skilled in their deceitfulness that they go unnoticed for their true nature until the hurt is done. In the mental health field, people who are considered to have, "psychopathic tendencies" are referred to as Antisocial Personality Disorder. Antisocial people have the following traits: repeatedly engage in unlawful behaviors; deceitful/lying; impulsive; irritable/aggressive; disregard for safety of self or others; irresponsible; lack of remorse for others. The hard part is that you may not find out about some of this until it is too late. These Antisocial people hurt others by leading them on to believe that there is a romance. They put subtle pressure on the other person, usually by manipulation, false promises, or threats so they can gain access to personal information. They use phrases like, "I can only trust you if I can put my money with yours" or "if you don't ___, I will leave you" or "you only love me if you change your will/put me on your credit cards/cash checks for me then send me the cash/open a bank account in your name for me." These are all indicators that you may be dealing with someone who is out to hurt you. If you try to talk them out of it or set a boundary, they will either get angry or overly nice and continue to put pressure on you to do these things and make you feel like something is wrong with you. One day you come home and you find that the person has left and has taken some of his/her belongings and yours as well. You find that money is missing out of your accounts and you now have large credit card bills for things you did not purchase. The other person is gone. You are left feeling heartbroken, angry, lonely, confused, stupid, embarrassed, and helpless. You wonder, "how could I have done this?" and, "why would someone do this to me when I was so nice to them?" They are going to give NO second thought to what they have done to you. They will move on very quickly and in a cold way. You've probably been taken by a psychopath. Robert D. Hare of the University of British Columbia wrote a great book called Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us (The Guilford Press, paperback). Although it does not refer directly to the GLBT community, it is very applicable because there are some GLBT people who are also antisocial and, certainly, straight men and women who would prey upon us because of their tendencies. First and foremost, the primary criterion for a relationship is NEVER about monetary transactions, bank/credit card accounts, or doing favors regarding money. This is your first, HUGE red flag. If anyone is requesting/requiring things of a monetary nature and not respecting your boundaries when you set them, it is very questionable. Second, get strong and set boundaries. NO means NO and others are not entitled to have your personal banking information. Do not fall prey to the threats of leaving or the emotions around "can't trust you." A well-balanced and respectable person will honor your boundaries and will also set similar boundaries with you. Co-mingling of any money in a relationship should be done cautiously and holding private information and accounts is not a sign of a relationship without trust. If they can't respect your boundaries, end the relationship! Third, never accept checks or money orders from someone far away when they ask you to cash them then send them the money. This is happening in the community and individuals are losing money and putting themselves in legal jeopardy. Finally, if you feel you've been taken, call the police, obtain as much evidence as you can (e-mails, bank records, etc.) and file a report. Don't let your feelings get in the way and don't feel guilty that you are going to hurt the other person if law enforcement gets involved. The likelihood that the psychopath will do this to someone else is very high and chances are you aren't the first he/she has done this to. You might have a chance to stop this from happening to someone else. Make a police report! Expose them! A potential romantic partner or friend, regardless of their financial situation, will handle their finances according to their means. You don't have to date someone who makes the same amount of money as you but the other has to be responsible with his/her money in relation to the amount they make. If you have faced this kind of situation, don't feel alone or stupid. It has happened to many of us. The nature of the antisocial person is such that it is hard for many of us to detect them. Many of us in the mental health field have been taken advantage of as well and don't figure out that we've been swindled/manipulated/lied to until down the road. Seek the help of police, friends, family, clergy, or a therapist if you are feeling heartbroken and stupid about this situation. They can guide you to resources and help you with the steps to get over this situation and heal from it. Michael Raitt, MA LMHC, writes a bi-monthly column in the SGN. If you would like to comment on this column, ask a question you'd like him to write about, or suggest another topic of interest, please contact him at askingmichael@comcast.net . |
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