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Saturday, May 17, 2008
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Ask Michael: Is our age difference a problem? |
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| Ask Michael: Is our age difference a problem? | |
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by Michael Raitt -
SGN Contributing Writer Hello, Michael. I have been reading your articles for the last five or six months and have found many things helpful to me & My current partner and I have a [15+] year age difference between us. We have been together for [several years] now. We both realized that we wanted to explore the potential of a deeper relationship. He has no problem with the age difference, and I, over time, realized that the only problem I had was what others were thinking about it. The real problem is this: We have many people telling us that you cannot have a healthy relationship with such a difference in age. But I want the opportunity (as does my partner) to continue this relationship, we have both made very positive changes in our lives, with each other's help (sometimes with rather strong insistence). We have our disagreements, but for the first time in my life, I have a partner that I actually LISTEN to, and I care what he thinks and wants. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Thank you for your time. Michael: Thank you for your e-mail and congratulations on your relationship and your desire to continue to build a healthy relationship with your partner. Just because there is a noticeable difference in age does not mean the relationship will not work out! Good, healthy relationships are based on common interests, independence, togetherness, respect, integrity, and honesty. I have known men and women of all ages who have these attributes and work together to enjoy a loving relationship. As well, I have known women and men of all ages who lack these characteristics and struggle to be in or maintain a healthy relationship. As long as you are both exhibiting these qualities in one way or another, the odds that your relationship will continue are strong. One of my dearest friends had a successful, loving, long-term relationship where there was a significant age difference (30+ years). It does happen. My friend said, "Age didn't matter to either of us. It was how we treated each other." It is true that people who are close to us - friends, relatives, etc.- may find reasons that two people shouldn't be together and may share their opinions with us. It is often difficult to determine where these perspectives come from and age is an easy one to pick on (and believe me, they can come up with all kinds of reasons). If you and your partner determine that the relationship is satisfying for both of you, stay strong in your commitment to each other in the face of the negative reactions from others. Learning to stand with yourself and accept yourself when others question is a sign of strength and maturity. I am not suggesting this is the case for your relationship because you did not indicate anything of the sort in your e-mail but I did want to mention this point: One area where couples run into trouble (age difference or not) is when one partner tries to over-function (take care of) the other and the other begins to under-function (is taken care of). It is easy to apply to the age difference and people do when they refer to the "father/son" dynamic in a relationship (I am sure there is a female version of this but don't know what it is called). A "dynamic" is a pattern in a relationship. This is different than something that is situational. Sometimes a situation arises where one has to "take care of" the other - which is completely appropriate - but a situation will not last over a long period of time. A "father/son" situation usually becomes a problem because someone eventually starts to have resentments and conflicts arise. These relationships, more often than not, come to an end eventually. As I mentioned above, a healthy relationship requires that both people come into it with a level of participation that demonstrates their characteristics and values. This applies to how money is contributed and managed, how the couple negotiates independence and togetherness, how each adapts to their own needs and the needs of the other, and how the day-to-day routines and requirements are accomplished by both. When each shows up and deals with these in a respectful, mutually agreeable way, the relationship is more likely to strengthen and continue. These are skills that aren't necessarily correlated with age. As your relationship continues to grow, I would encourage you and your partner to continue to actively evaluate it and make necessary changes so that it is rich, loving, respectful, and, yes, challenging. When people give you feedback about their doubts, just remember that you don't know where their values are and as long as the relationship is working for the both of you, their opinions are just that, opinions. Best of luck to you and your partner. Wishing you every success and a long, loving future. Michael Raitt, MA LMHC, writes a bi-monthly column in the SGN. If you would like to comment on this column, ask a question you'd like him to write about, or suggest another topic of interest, please contact him at askingmichael@comcast.net. |
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