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The Prairie Bitch confesses to SGN -
Alison "Nellie Oleson" Arngrim comes to Re-Bar |
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| The Prairie Bitch confesses to SGN - Alison "Nellie Oleson" Arngrim comes to Re-Bar | ||
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by Brian D. Peters -
Special to the SGN Confessions of a Prairie Bitch Re-Bar September 11, 13 Alison Arngrim, better known as Nellie Olesen on Little House on the Prairie, and I have known each other for the past year or two, but I tell you it feels like we have been friends for much, much longer. I was asked to join a few of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, The Abbey of St Joan, at Alison's show last time she was in town. Of course I went in full habit - she is, after all, "Saint Alison, Little Bitch on the Prairie" to the L.A. Sisters, so I guess you could say it was like meeting a long-lost family member. So there I was at the show, laughing my ass of and enjoying every minute of it, when after the show I was told that the Sisters were requested to help with crowd control while Alison did some autograph stuff and pictures with all her adoring fans. As soon as I walked up to the table, she looked up at my face (and mind you, I am not a short Sister), smiled, and said, "Oh, you have to sit right here next to me!" So I did, and let me tell you, if you have not had an opportunity to talk to Alison I strongly recommend it - the woman can tell stories like you would not believe. So then after all the autographs were signed and the pictures were taken, Alison, a few friends and myself decided to have some cocktails and play darts. By the end of the night I knew that I was very lucky to have met such an amazing person and now I had a new friend. So, all I have to say is you better go buy your tickets and be ready to laugh weather or not you know all about Little House on the Prairie. For the full version of Arngrim's interview, visit www.sgn.org. Peters: So, what the hell's going on? Where were you? What were you doing? Arngrim: What was I doing in New York? First, I went to Mumford, which is near Rochester, which is where they have the Genesee Country Village And Museum. Peters: My word! Arngrim: It's fabulous. Go to the website; you can see butter churned and pottery made, or buy a bonnet. And they had Laura Ingalls Wilder Day, and their one claim to Laura Ingalls Wilder-dom, because, as we know, she lived in South Dakota, but not in New York - Almonzo Wilder is from upstate New York, hence the book Farmer Boy. So they flew me in and paid me, and I hung out, and I did two question and answer sessions and two autograph sessions and rode around in a carriage and they gave me bonnets and cookie cutters.... Peters: Did you get to wear your hair, or the Nellie Oleson wig? Arngrim: Oh no, I got to go as me. Because they said they had a Laura Ingalls Wilder impersonator, and then Alison Arngrim, the actual Nellie Oleson. And I thought, well, how odd that they have a pretend Laura, but the real Nellie. [Laughs.] And even Melissa Gilbert is, technically, a Laura Ingalls impersonator - very confusing. And then I went down to Manhattan, to the Cutting Room in Chelsea, where I did my stand-up act, Confessions of a Prairie Bitch. Peters: Now, for someone who's never seen your show, what can they expect? Arngrim: Well, people who were big fans of Little House on the Prairie will obviously love it to death, because you'll get a discussion of people on the show, and the whole insanity of what it means to be Nellie Oleson, and, of course, there's the fabulous question-and-answer segment where you can ask Alison anything. A lot of questions are about the show, others are just crazy, left-field wacko questions. I take 'em all. I have had people come to my show who have never seen a single episode of Little House and have also loved it, because I don't just talk about the show. I talk about my crazy Hollywood family - my father managed Liberace, so I was going to see Liberace shows when I was 8 years old. Peters: Well, then you never had a fighting chance, then. Arngrim: Hello! Fag hag central! [Laughs.] My mother was the voice of Casper and Gumby and Sweet Polly Purebred and Davey of Davey and Goliath. I grew up in Hollywood, I was friends with Christine Jorgenson, who was a friend of the family. I was raised by so many Gay people, I'm only a half-breeder. [Laughs.] So, I talk about what it means to be a child star, what it means to be Nellie Oleson, and the whole insanity of how society treats you, and the whole hilarity of the situation - as well as goofy stories about Michael Landon. Peters: So then, there are no secrets? Arngrim: Right! In 2002, when I put together the show, I had a friend who was a comedian, and he was actually being very bitchy and giving me a hard time, and he said, "You know, your act's OK, but the stories you tell in the bar afterwards are twice as funny!" Peters: You get on a rampage any time you tell a story [and] it's great, so I would disagree with your friend saying the show was "OK." I thought the show was hilarious. Arngrim: But see, when he said that, I hadn't started telling stories about, you know, my mother and I meeting the Satanist family. But he was right; the stories I was telling afterwards in the bar were better! So I decided to throw away the act, take all the stories I told at the party and put them in the show! Peters: Well, I want to shake the man's hand, because he gave you great advice! Arngrim: And he was dead right. I'm doing a bit more now about the child star stuff; I think a crazy ex-child star is, like, the poster child for the 21st century. All of our neuroses as a society are sort of embodied in and dumped upon ex-child stars. Peters: That's got to be an interesting group to be in, like a large family of ex-child stars. Arngrim: I was just on the phone this morning with Paul Peterson, 'cause both of us are running around making sure everyone's OK. [Laughs.] Peters: So Little House ends. Then what? Arngrim: So, what job do you get? Some people who have had a hit series will get another hit series, but not everyone. Not even everyone from the cast of freakin' Friends move on to another show, and how more famous and fab can you be? Remember CHIPS? Estrada and what's-his-face? Peters: Who? Exactly. Arngrim: Estrada right away went to Mexico and made a bunch of money and then came back. It's like they were the most famous and pampered people on the face of the earth, the network was buying them Rolls-Royces, and 20 seconds after CHIPS ended, what were they on? Peters: Nothing. Arngrim: And if this can happen to a grown person, with an established career and a major manager, what happens to someone who's, like, 14, working since infancy, and then their show ends? I was very lucky, because I had other skills, I could do stand-up comedy. I did go off and do dinner theatre, which was a wonderful thing to do, to act with other people and travel. I had a lot of money and no work, because I had good residuals and a trust fund - my parents actually didn't steal my money. I was the wealthiest unemployed person on the block, but that's really bad, too, because then you get, like "I guess I should get out of be and get a job...ahhh, why bother?" [Laughs.] Peters: So did you ever get to a point where you were like, "Oh my God, I have to!" Arngrim: Oh, yeah, it got very annoying and another thing is, if you get work in entertainment, which is dicey, it might work beautifully. Liz Taylor kept going, Sarah Jessica Parker... but here's the problem: how do you go get a regular "straight" job? If you're like one of the Brady Bunch; you don't even want to act; you had a great time, but you're really over it, you'd really rather go sell real estate, or go to med school, or whatever. OK, you go do that, say you go to work in a law office - everyone who comes through the door from the FedEx guy to the clients go, "oh, look, it's the kid who was on that show." You become the office distraction, you have to change your name, people won't hire you - it becomes very difficult to work a "straight" job. Peters: You know, I never, ever thought of that. Arngrim: So then, you have this unemployable problem, and also what happens is, you have all the problems and stresses that everybody has growing up! Figuring out what you're going to look like, dealing with boyfriends, girlfriends - God forbid having to deal with coming out of the closet. One of the things we're seeing here with some of these ex-child stars... like now they're saying that Lindsay Lohan is probably Gay. And I said, I hope so, cause she wasn't very good at being a straight girl! [Laughs.] But think about this one: they don't really think of your cute, perky child stars as being Gay or Lesbian, even when you're 30 years old. I mean, Doogie Howser came out, and that was a big deal. Peters: Oh, but that just made every Gay man who used to watch Doogie Howser take a big ol' deep breath. [Laughs.] Arngrim: Yeah, it was difficult coming out, cause there was this, "Oh, you're in show business, and what would the neighbors say?" So, taking all the normal crap that people have to deal with in their lives - are you Gay, are you straight, you gonna get married, you gonna have kids, what do you want to do with your life - but, you're a child star, so instead of just having to deal with your mother and the neighbors, it's the entire frickin' world and the National Enquirer. You don't have time to deal with your shit. And if you have real problems - your parents were going through a divorce, they were abused, they were molested - that all got put on hold. And then the series ends, and you have a lot of time on your hands, and guess what happens? The last 15 years of teenage and childhood issues, whatever dysfunctional issues that you put on the back burner, are now in your lap. Peters: That's a hell of a wall comin' at you. Arngrim: Yeah, tell me about it! [Laughs.] At age 20, I suddenly went, "Oh! Look, I'm in therapy! Surprise!" I've always been sort of a resourceful lil' thing; I've always been the person who goes, "Well, let's just get out the Yellow Pages, let's just Google it." And that's what I did when I realized, well, this doesn't feel good, I'm just not quite sure what to do. As you know, I've been very public, going on Larry King and everything, that I was also abused as a child. So, that caught up with me, but I said, you know, this is California, go to therapy! I have some cash, right? [Laughs.] And I got lucky, I got a very good therapist. It was like, yeah, you need to talk about this, it's not going to go away in a puff of smoke. I read every book and went to every kind of therapy they had. "Whattaya got? I'll sign up for it!" [Laughs.] And did whatever I had to do. I looked around and went, "Do I want to be crazy? No. Do I want to take a lot of drugs and O.D.? No, it's not appealing." So I took care of my shit. [Laughs.] Peters: So, now the show's over, now we've gotten into therapy. How did it all come about to where you are today? Arngrim: I was at a conference with a bunch of neurologists and psychiatrists specializing in abuse, and I had these doctors and people who were in neurology and psychology and worked with crack addicts and people who had severe post-traumatic stress disorder. And one said, "That's so funny that you do a one-woman show, because you know what I do with my patients at the mental hospital? I deal with people who have never even made the most basic A to B connections. Like, they barely figured out where they got those 12 kids from. But I have them write down, or get up and explain their life in order. So eventually, they're doing what is technically a one-person show. Some of them have never stopped and taken the time to go through their life in order and go, 'Hey, maybe that's how I got here.'" He said, "We have seen changes in neural pathways and dramatic recovery from trauma in people who have actually sat there and related their life story." I said, "Are you telling me my one-woman show is good for me?" [Laughs.] He said yes. Apparently, this one-woman show is, like, the best thing I could freakin' be doing right now. Peters: That's awesome! So, you're just busy. You're going to Belgium, France, and you're coming to Seattle. Until then, are you on a break? Arngrim: I go to Belgium on September 25, and that is a celebrity gala involving the circus and various American and European actors and performers. It's "Celebrities Unite For Child Protection," it's a group of people in France and Belgium who want to better protect children from abuse and molestation. We take it for granted here; we have things like "Amber Alert" so if a child is kidnapped, everybody knows, and the word goes out Peters: Is this in conjunction with PROTECT? Arngrim: No, PROTECT is strictly for those wanting to change laws here in America - and man, do we need to! You would not believe the scary shit that is still going on out there! Some of my friends in Europe saw what was being done with PROTECT and said, "Hey! Can't we try that, too?" People actually talking about this stuff is very new. OK, this is my favorite scary-horrifying factoid: In the state of California, 1949, what was the penalty for child rape? Not just, like, fondling, [but] full-on child rape? Peters: You're asking me? I don't even know if it was even on the books. Arngrim: In some places it wasn't. It was all property stuff, women and children as chattel. So it was really more considered theft, the child as an entity didn't really exist. In 1949, rape of a child was a misdemeanor punishable by 30 days in jail. Thirty days, and no major thing on your record. The reason it changed was in 1949, this guy kidnapped, raped, and murdered a 6-year-old girl, and he had just finished doing 30 days for raping another 6-year-old girl. But hey, he did his 30 days, and nobody thought it was a big deal 'til he murdered a girl. That's when people said, maybe raping children is more serious, and warrants more than 30 days. Hence, it became a felony in 1950. But up 'til 1949, child molestation was considered a "nuisance" crime. Peters: Jesus. Arngrim: So we're just catching up now. In Europe, most countries don't have Amber Alerts - like, they have no idea what happened to the Madeline McCann girl; did someone take her and walk out of Portugal? Maybe! It's insanely easy to do; there are European countries where you can snatch a kid and simply walk across the border, get on a train, and there is no police presence looking for you or checking the borders, or an Amber Alert. They're a little behind. We're only just starting to talk about stuff now, and we're still way behind on how it bad it really is. So, there's a group of people having a big party in Belgium which I'm going to go to and say, yes, let's all get on the same page with this crap, shall we? And then I go to France, where I have six performances then I'm going to Italy, because I have to scatter my friend's ashes in Venice, and then I'm going to England for a week in December. And then I may be making a movie, I will keep you posted on that. Peters: Ooh, yes! Arngrim: I don't have the contract yet, but I got the script, and there's this fabulous part in the fabulous movie, and it's really Gay. And then we're doing more stuff with PROTECT on the American front. We have a bill in D.C., and the Senate kind of withdrew it cause they're a little busy with the oil thing. But we're hoping to get it passed, and it will provide funding for the FBI and the people who actually have to go out and catch child rapists and child pornographers. Peters: You know, I do have to tell you, after talking to you about your one-woman show and how it's therapy for you, it sounds like your whole life is centered around making people feel better about themselves as well as yourself! Arngrim: And with the AIDS organizations, OK, they found out in the mid-'80s, when I was doing stuff with AIDS Project Los Angeles, one of the things they found out was political activism and volunteer work - but especially political activism - was enormously healing for persons with AIDS! They found that their T-cell counts went up, their immune system function went up, their viral load went down. And I thought, "Gee, I wonder if, for people who suffered sexual molestation as children, if you became politically active or volunteered, would your post-traumatic stress symptoms improve?" Peters: And the answer is? Arngrim: Duh! [Laughs.] Make sure to check out Alison's advice column, "Faux Pearls Of Wisdom," in DAEIDA, a fab new publication with a Queer eye for Old Hollywood. Confessions of a Prairie Bitch will be 7:30 to 9:30 p.m. on Thursday, September 11 and Saturday, September 13, Re-bar, at 1114 Howell Street. Tickets are $16 and are available at Brown Paper Tickets (www.brownpapertickets.com, 800-838-3006). Tickets will also be available at the door. More info on the show is available online at www.seattlelovesnellie.com. The doors will open for both shows at 6:30 p.m. This is a strictly 21-and-over show. |
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