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Computer hell, I'm in love, and loved, and so much more in this Pride Lipstick and Lust

by Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid - SGN A&E Writer

Well, since my computer gave me a second chance (by being the world's crappiest computer - Bill Gates, wanna give me a new laptop and let me give you mucho press in my column, dude?) I'll start this column with good news. As in my slave and I declared our undying love to each other after "getting busy" on the pillow pile at The Digs a week ago, and we've been disgusting snarly Seattleites (one guy in the SIFF film we attended moved two seats down to avoid our giggling, to which I say "sourpuss!") on a weekly basis. Ah, love is not truly appreciated (or hell, practiced that much, honey) in "rat city" now is it? Nope.

And that one and I have been burning up the pillow pile and the sheets doing scenes a-plenty in my little one room, and keeping my boring neighbors (and unfortunately the creepy guy across the hall from me, ick, ick, ick!) on their rusty old toes with our live-action porno movie antics. Honey, when it's on, it's so on!

Also in the "ick" category, this one went into her women's clinic to get a checkup after a little mistake happened doing the "horizontal tango" a few months back with a willing soul, and this one needed her mind cleared. Dahling, things are devolving in the world of Western medicine to the point that the doc I saw, instead of giving good care, gave a Janet Drago-style lecture (this is if that one were a doc, instead of running for hizzoner's seat - don't be fooled, babe - neither should get your vote, and this one gives them both "votes of no confidence") about "being more careful" and "hadn't I had a lot of those kinds of tests," and called my little "secret garden" a "this." Not the happiest visit, trust me, but the blood lab tech made it all better by being hella nice, and even apologizing profusely when sticking me twice (this one has the worst veins, honey - no wonder I never became a heroin addict, eh?). All of this at UW Medical, which touts itself to be "one of the 10 best hospitals in the country," to which I say, "raspberries."

Also, on the bright side again, Le Slave and I attended Le Faux at Julia's on Broadway, and I even went on stage to celebrate me and that one declaring our love for each other, to which Mr. Sean Paul gave me a little hug and we joked and laughed about what I like my love to do to me in the sheets. Can we say "oral treasure" should be that one's middle name? Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! And if you haven't yet seen Le Faux, honey, what's your problem? Get down there and be fabulously entertained, as we were. Though not as much as we were later by a certain loudmouth woman at IHOP who kept trying to start somethin' by saying "white people are evil, and when Jesus comes back, they're going to all burn up like vampires" (the last she kept saying, in case anyone, say, in Tacoma didn't hear her). But me and slavey just kept slurping our chocolate malt and noshing on French fries, that one looking most tasty in femme drag.

Back on the neg side, Sarah Palin, I agree that Letterman should keep his trap in check sometimes, but hey, the jokes about you last year you deserved, as you are still, in my book, a wolf-killing beotch. So there! And to those combover white males in the conservative camp who are all atwitter like evil birds over prez Obama's pick for Supreme Court, Ms. Sotomayor, get a life! Too bad for you that McCain didn't win, and good for the American public, honey, so get the freak over your sad, pathetic selves and move on.

Ah yes, and PETA, dahlings, I do support most of what you stand for, but hey, protesting the tossing of dead fish and saying it's like tossing dead kittens? Are you batty in your belfries, or what? Everything dies and everything gets eaten, even us humans, so get your panties out of a bunch and maybe protest things more relevant, like how the protection of wolves and polar bears seems to be passing "out of style," even under a Democrat. Or join the rest of us poor souls protesting the loss of better healthcare through the budget-cutting madness. Now there's something to get really pissed about, not some dead fish action.

So, what besides falling head over keester in love with my slave, trying to navigate around my evil computer and being treated like cattle by the Western medical system, has this one been up to lately?

Well, my dears, I tried (after winning the bid at a local dance fundraiser - DAG, you rock, by the way) Babeland's Naked organic lubricant (Le Slave and I have found a world of uses for this stuff in recent scenes, and we are very satisfied customers!), as well as trying it with those lovely anal beads you can pick up at The Crypt (use and toss, trust me, it's best). And the personal massager I also won in the gift bag from the same auction, Nubby G, is something I highly recommend for solo play, or for part of a scene, making your slave watch, or having them join in. Fun times, baby, fun times! Also loving my new go to scent that I picked up at Walgreens, Tropical Garden, from Details Bath and Body. Just the right thing for you and your significant other, whether it's part of a panty humiliation scene, or just something you both wanna wear out on the town. Probably make you tasty for Pride, honey!

So, that's it for now, my babies, and happy Pride, wherever you are, including those folks I'll be seeing July in Tacoma at "Out in The Park" (do join us, honeys, it's hella fun!), and in Bremerton for their Pride thang. And to you speed racers driving through neighborhoods like you're on a car commercial, remember there are moms and babies walking there, slow the hell down, or better, take the flipping bus! Be nice to each other, be safe, be fabulously Queer, and be good to our mother the earth by not using her for a trashcan (no more hot dog containers or beer cans on lawns or in trees or bushes, eh?). And to those who've moved to the "other side" and their loved ones, my condolences. You will never be forgotten and always be treasured. Peace out, buhbye, kiss kiss!

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