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Riding hard with Bike Porn mastermind Reverend Phil
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Riding hard with Bike Porn mastermind Reverend Phil

by Scott Rice - SGN Contributing Writer

My own pornographic preferences skew to vintage stuff. I dig the old Physique Pictorials and anything from the '70s. I like body hair au naturale and half-shirts over shorty joggers and striped tube socks. However, I also like lean and sweaty athletic guys. I don't mean jarhead football players who think Jesus actually cares about the outcome of a game. I mean intelligent athletes who eat lentils and read Mother Jones magazine. In short: bicyclists.

I've never experienced Bike Porn before. However, all that changed Saturday, August 8, at Magnuson Park, Building #47 where Bike Porn 3: Cycle Bound premiered.

I spoke with Reverend Phil, the ringleader of this horny band of bike porn aficionados, before the screening to get myself ready for this new experience. While I'm not sure I know more about bike porn than I did before talking to Reverend Phil, I became more curious than ever.

Scott Rice: Reverend Phil, how did Bike Porn get started?

Reverend Phil: I'm guessing that someone was switching back and forth between pictures of some hot Italian genitalia and pictures of some hot Italian Guerciotti [an Italian bicycle maker]. Perhaps the subject was overcome with increased lust at the confusion between these seemingly very distinct things. Next thing you know people are posting pictures of "bike porn" all over the internet. But we decided to take it to the next level.

Rice: How long have you folks been at it?

Reverend Phil: Our team has been pushing the limits of the emerging bike sex industry for the past three years. We have found that no matter where you go, folks seem to get off their bikes all the time. That's a joke, son; you can laugh. Bike porn can be very obvious, like the mostly naked bodies gently caressing a fork. It can also be more subtle, like finally cresting a big hill.

Rice: Are all the films made specifically for Bike Porn?

Reverend Phil: Most movies are made especially for our audience. There are quite a few bike movie festivals these days, but the only place to watch any of these movies is at a screening. There are no DVDs for sale and I don't know if many other movie festivals would be open to the kind of smut we enjoy. Occasionally people have homemade porn movies they made just for themselves, then later when they find out about us. "Hey, honey, we can share that Hi-8 experience of us on the tandem with the rest of the world!"

Rice: Who makes Bike Porn?

Reverend Phil: Fucking perverts, that's who! The demographics are not so easy to nail down. Many women will speak in confidence about a saddle that "didn't quite fit right," but sometimes resulted "in a mystical trip to the store." But the debate of what erotica is is largely up to the beer-holder. Thus, putting lube on your chain could be pretty sensual depending on your technique.

Rice: Seattle has a serious film scene. Were any of the films made here?

Reverend Phil: Yes! Seattle has an upcoming master of the craft in Terry O'Neal. Terry was able to organize naked bike polo, a steamy pedicab scene, and a variety of bike shop fantasies. When they play on the big screen the audience goes wild.

Rice: How does Bike Porn make the world a better place?

Reverend Phil: We take the endless possibility of goodness that is inherent in the bicycle, and add porn. But not your typical porn. Sure, there is lots of sex, but more than just that we are offering up a wide assortment of sexual behaviors. Sexual diversity is very healthy, and the sooner we get over these hang-ups, the sooner we can make our lives better. We don't want typical stuff; we want inspiring erotica. The tour has existed without ever selling a DVD. We want artists to maintain control of their content. I am proud to say that we have never had a leak of any of our movies. We intend to keep it that way. Lastly, and this is for the movie nerds, whereas most movies have to spend a year out on the film festival circuit we only show our content to self-selecting mature audiences. Just getting a theater to return your calls can feel like a major accomplishment.

Rice: I'm totally in, but what do you say to a person who's not sure Bike Porn is for them?

Reverend Phil: Bike Porn is not for everyone. But there is a big difference between not enjoying porn and being a prude. First off, most porn sucks - literally and figuratively. Most of the sex industry is caught up in a race to the bottom. No wonder so many women are turned off by pornography. You can tell if it is lame by the way it makes you feel when you are done watching it. Most people are pretty horny when they are done watching our films and they are often inspired to create something of their own.

Rice: I have a couple of fantasies in the spank-bank that involve bicycles. However, those fantasies are more about sweaty dudes and jockstraps. Why are bikes sexy?

Reverend Phil: Riding makes us healthier. But more than having an improved resting heart rate and killer legs, bikes themselves are sexy and the act of cycling is sexy. It could be the freedom we have when traveling under our own power. It could be the attention to detail in those beautiful custom frames. It could be the straining of muscles in rhythmic motions but for whatever reason, it is exciting. Bikes are sexy cause you gotta get on to get off.

Rice: Are Lycra bike shorts sexy?

Reverend Phil: Fashion is as fashion does, and not all shorts are the same. Standing around in padded Lycra can make you look like you dropped a load, but it also can perfectly define all of your muscles. All of them.

Rice: Have you ever had a crush on a dude/chick /other/all the above (please choose) and clandestinely smelled their bike seat?

Reverend Phil: The hell with being sneaky, what about being forward? "Hey I like the way your saddle smells, will you peg me?" should roll off our lips as easy as, "on your left!"

Rice: Have you ever masturbated while riding a bike?

Reverend Phil: Can you tell me what masturbation is? Last time I checked rubbing against something and making yourself feel good was considered masturbation, so maybe your question should be, "Can you ride a bike without masturbating?" The answer is no, you cannot.

Rice: Did you wear a helmet?

Reverend Phil: If I was doing something I thought was unsafe I would definitely wear a helmet. Not sure about the condition of your ride? Wear a helmet. Can't walk but can still bike? Wear a helmet. Think your bike has been cheating on you with someone else? Wear a helmet. We should all be educated about our risky behavior.

Rice: Was there a happy ending?

Reverend Phil: Loan me your bike for the night and I will let you know in the morning.

Rice: You came to Seattle last year, right?

Reverend Phil: OMG, we totally molested Georgetown. Bike porn was playing on the side of a wall 20 feet high. Not sure we are going to be able to go back there soon. The shows were standing room only even though there was frequent torrential showers

Rice: Is Seattle a good city for Bike Porn?

Reverend Phil: Bikers in Seattle are hard. If you can traverse the hills and highways you have legs and nerves of steel. The ideal location is one where most people feel repressed by some old overbearing force. Once you tap into that well of latent bike sexuality a revolution is natural.

Rice: Why are you peddling bike porn to Seattle's LGBT community?

Reverend Phil: Because it is user-defined. We share with our audiences what is submitted, and this year we got more fabglitter than ever before.

Rice: Why is bike porn so Gay?

Reverend Phil: I think lots of people expect Gay folk to not be uptight about these kind of things. The audiences for these movies are usually pretty comfortable with their sexuality and aren't horribly offended by the sexuality of others. The fact is, we are all a little Gay for our rides.

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