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Slow-paced Getaway is tortuously long
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Slow-paced Getaway is tortuously long

by Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid - SGN A&E Writers

A Perfect Getaway
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My usual formula for whether I judge a film to be not worth paying to see is if I tend to focus more on the character's outfits, as in "my, what pretty shoes that woman's wearing, wonder where I can get something like that," or if the scenery is more interesting. While sitting through the tortuously long A Perfect Getaway, my mind kept wandering to the breathtaking aerial views of Hawaii being splashed across the screen at the beginning, then to how blue Mila Jovovich's eyes were, to whether or not that was her real hair color (except for her short red 'do in The Fifth Element, she always has raven-black locks).

So, you can see that obviously the first (very long) 20 minutes of Getaway doesn't do anything out of the ordinary schlocky plot that Hollywood's been churning out since last year's stunner The Strangers (a far better movie that creeped me out from the very first scene). Think Last House On The Left meets U-Turn meets any other forgettable movie of the week thriller done in the last several months, and you have the plot of this film.

True, Jovovich, who plays a manically happy new bride, and zany Steve Zahn, her equally off-kilter new hubby, do have good chemistry and are watchable together, and there are even a few scary moments that made me, my date and the screening audience jump a bit at the beginning of the film. Still, it's hard to keep your attention glued to a screen that keeps showing you travel picture shots and letting the actors fend for themselves for the most part - which they don't do all that convincingly, either.

The plot's nothing new. Zahn and Jovovich are a honeymooning couple ecstatic about their trip to Hawaii, and yet in the first couple of minutes it is established that there've been some murders on one of the islands and then an implication that any man and woman they meet could be these criminals. Of course, they meet a sleazy pair, who put them on edge, then another pair who charm, but also put them off a bit with the boyfriend's nutty ramblings about one adventure after another. "Oh, we are so scared," I wanted to say.

Notable is some stuff about girl bonding between Jovovich and the Southern-drawling girl part of the other couple - actually the best part of this loser of a film - a freshly killed goat, killed by the boyfriend and graphically dressed in front of Jovovich and Zahn, but nothing else remotely creepy. Oh yes, there's a twist, which I won't reveal in case after reading this review you still want to plunk down honest dollars for this clunker. That part's a little eerie, but it goes nowhere fast and does nothing to save the previous lost hour of Getaway. Save your dough and wait for the video.

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