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Back to Section One | Back to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - Volume 39 Issue 02
A Dyke About Town: Suzanne Westenhoefer's wicked comedy
Arts & Entertainment
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A Dyke About Town: Suzanne Westenhoefer's wicked comedy

by Mercy Moosemuzzle - SGN Contributing Writer

Suzanne
Westenhoefer

Mercy and Cuteness laughed their heads off at Suzanne Westenhoefer's performance at the Triple Door on January 14. The comic joked about the Sweet Cruises, which include volunteer opportunities. They took 40 Lesbians to an animal shelter in Mexico. That wasn't very well-thought-out. The dykes bathed dogs and cleaned up the space. When they left, the only animal left was a one-eyed cat.

Westenhoefer said she has a cat because she thinks they are fabulous. You're watching TV and you haven't seen your cat for while, when all of a sudden they start doing mantel, chair, sofa, mantel, chair, sofa, mantel, chair, sofa.

Suzanne said she went home for the holidays. That was easier because she has a Lesbian sister - it was two against one. Her sister has a cat that is so big, when he gets on the recliner with her, he tips it over.

Her own cat has started staring at her at 6 a.m., willing her to get up. So she gets up and he says, 'Hey, what are you doing?' He takes a nap for 16 hours. Does she interrupt him?

Westenhoefer has been watching Grey's Anatomy, so she feels like she knows Seattle. They have Lesbians on that show. Westenhoefer says she gets as excited as a 12-year-old whenever she sees Lesbians on TV. The L-Word ran for six seasons, and Lesbians were ambivalent about it. Now the same producer decided she hasn't done enough to piss everyone off, so she creates a new one - The Real L-Word. Suzanne saw one episode in which two Lesbians wrestled in creamed corn and oil.

Westenhoefer got called for jury duty and got all excited about serving. She went down to the county courthouse, saying, 'I am going to do this.' The lawyers went over the rules, like not smiling or laughing. Ford Motor Company was being sued because someone got mesothelial. It is going to be a six-week trial. Everyone is trying to get out of it, saying things like, 'I'm in the Ku Klux Klan.' Suzanne is the only one who was into it, saying, 'Pick me, pick me!'

Then she met the judge, and she is really into it because she is a woman and looks like Glenn Close in Dangerous Liasons. They have to choose 12 jurors. The comic knows she is going to at least be an alternate. They interview the guy before her and he says he designs rocket ships. The lawyer says to Westenhoefer, 'What do you do?'

She says, 'I am a stand-up comedian.'

The lawyer says, 'Dismissed.'

Suzanne says, 'Thanks for sitting me next to the rocket scientist.'

Westenhoefer delivered the bad news that she broke up with her partner. She says she cut up her significant other's clothes. Her partner cheated on her with a professional volleyball player who hadn't been out. Suzanne said, 'Don't piss off a woman with a microphone in her hand.'

Metropolitan Opera Auditions
Mercy and Assonance went to the Metropolitan Opera auditions at Meany Hall on January 16. They got a chance to vote for the People's Choice Award. Mercy liked Brittney Hines-Hill, because she had a wonderful, big voice, and she reminded her of Cuteness. After intermission, Assonance came back and said some people she had talked to had said they weren't sure she could do more subtle pieces. So she voted for Julia West, who also had a beautiful voice. Assonance voted for Anthony Kalil, because his voice was of a rare type that is hard to find.

Hines-Hill won the $5,000 first prize and will go to New York to compete. Kalil won the $3,000 second prize and the People's Choice Award. West won a $2,000 encouragement award.

Loudon Wainwright III
Mercy and Cuteness are looking forward to seeing Loudon Wainwright III on January 23 at the Triple Door. Shelby Earl opens. Wainwright is a Grammy-winning American songwriter, folk singer, humorist, and actor. Wainwright is perhaps best known for the novelty song 'Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road,' and for playing Captain Calvin Spaulding, the singing surgeon on MASH.

You can get your tickets at thetripledoor.com.

War
Mercy is also looking forward to seeing War at Jazz Alley. The group will be there January 27-30. The American funk band has been famous since the late sixties. 'Cisco Kid,' 'Low Rider,' 'Spill the Wine, 'and 'Why Can't We Be Friends' are numbers associated with them. Members include Lonnie Jordan (singer/keyboardist), Fernando Harkless (saxophone/vocals), Marcos J. Reyes (percussion), Stuart Ziff (lead guitar), Sal Rodriguez (drums/vocals), Pancho Tomaselli (bass guitar, vocals), and Mitch Kashmar (harmonica/vocals).

You can get tickets at jazzalley.com.

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