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Back to Section One | Back to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, February 11, 2011 - Volume 39 Issue 06
My Funny Valentine - The 40 silliest love songs ever
Arts & Entertainment
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My Funny Valentine - The 40 silliest love songs ever

by Albert Rodriguez, Shaun Knittel, and Jessica Price - SGN A&E Writers

Paul McCartney said the world is full of silly love songs, and what's wrong with that? Perhaps the lead Beatle hadn't heard the worst of them - the ones battered in sappy lyrics, coated with over-seasoned vocals, or saturated into deep-fried muck. On this blissfully romantic time of year, we've put together a list of the all-time sappiest ballads, vintage prom themes, tired wedding reception numbers, and overall duds - although some of them can be found on our personal iPods (guilty!). In no particular order, here is our list of the 40 silliest love songs ever!

'Songbird'
'Silhouette'
'Breathless'

Kenny G
No list of cheese would be complete without Kenny G, and a triple slice of the sponge-headed instrumentalist's catalog seems appropriate instead of picking just one song. If any artist (in the loosest definition of the word) is a repeat offender of poorly composed love songs, it's this guy. (A.Rodriguez)

'Right Here Waiting'
Richard Marx

'All Out of Love'
Air Supply

'I Just Called
to Say I Love You'

Stevie Wonder

'I'll Make Love to You'
Boyz II Men

The boys from Philly struck gold with this over the top 1994 number-one hit single. The song - and its cheesy music video - is the perfect recipe for an all-night R&B lovemaking session. But after spending 14 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100, the song overstayed its welcome and became synonymous with high schools proms, weddings, and 'slow jams' compilations. Seriously, it's time to stop making love to us, Boyz II Men. (S. Knittel)

'(I've Had) The Time
of My Life'

Jennifer Warnes
and Bill Medley

'Love Me Tender'
Elvis Presley

'You're Still the One'
Shania Twain

'My Heart Will Go On'
Celine Dion
Working part time at a Sam Goody in 1998, I stuffed shelves with copies of this record for months until I thought my fingers would bleed. As the theme song to the mind-numbingly corny blockbuster movie Titanic, it felt like this song - as well as Celine's heart - would go on & and on & and on. (J. Price)

'Everything I Do
(I Do It For You)'

Bryan Adams

'Love Will Keep
Us Together'

The Captain and Tennille

'Against All Odds
(Take a Look at Me Now)'

Phil Collins

'How Am I Supposed
to Live Without You'

Michael Bolton
Even the strongest aspirin couldn't dull the pain of this ear-splitter by has-been power vocalist Michael Bolton. A staple of AM radio, this pop trainwreck was first recorded by co-writer Laura Branigan. (A. Rodriguez)

'That's Amore'
Dean Martin

'Wind Beneath
My Wings'
Bette Midler

'I Knew
I Loved You'
Savage Garden

'You Are So Beautiful'
Joe Cocker
This unbearably squishy song - written by Billy Preston but popularized by Joe Cocker - reached number five on the U.S. charts in 1974. Joe Cocker feeling amorous always gives me the willies - enough said. (J. Price) 'I Want to Know
What Love Is'
Foreigner

'Endless Love'
Lionel Richie
and Diana Ross/
Luther Vandross
and Mariah Carey

'Have I Told
You Lately'
Rod Stewart

'This Kiss'
Faith Hill
When it comes to cornball, sappy songs that make you cringe, pop-country star Faith Hill gives Shania Twain a run for her money. 'This Kiss' is the perfect example; sounding more like a commercial jingle advocating fresh breath or lip balm than a love song. This tune has had rednecks, pop-tarts, and Gay boys singing along to the lyrics for years, proving that 'this kiss is unstoppable.' (S. Knittel)

'Is This Love'
Whitesnake

'Through the Years'
Kenny Rogers

'Nothing Compares 2 U'
Sinead O'Connor

'True Colors'
Cyndi Lauper
Before it became a recurring Gay Pride theme, Lauper's ballad first embraced something else with a colorful lifestyle: Kodak prints. What's really unforgivable is allowing Phil Collins to saccharine-soak the original several years later. (A. Rodriguez)

'Dilemma'
Nelly and Kelly Rowland

'Lady in Red'
Chris De Burgh

'Hello'
Lionel Richie

'Crazy for You'
Madonna
Even the most dedicated of Madonna fans has to admit the Material Girl's first ballad is heavy on the sappiness, though still a classic. The song was her second number-one hit, though after 1985's Virgin Tour Madonna didn't touch the song live until the Re-Invention Tour of 2004. (J. Price)

'You Raise Me Up'
Josh Groban

'Angels'
Robbie Williams/
Jessica Simpson

'She's Like the Wind'
Patrick Swayze

'This I Promise You'
N'Sync
The Gays love us some Justin Timberlake. In fact, he could pretty much promise me anything and I would believe him. So sweet it could give you a toothache when it first topped the charts in the late '90s, this N'Sync serenade refuses to fade into the sunset and lay to rest in the boy-band ballad graveyard. Please, Justin, promise us you can use your powers for good and make them stop playing this song! (S. Knittel)

'Never Gonna Give You Up'
Rick Astley

'Open Arms'
Journey

'I'd Do Anything for Love
(But I Won't Do That)'

Meatloaf

'Unforgettable'
Natalie Cole
and Nat King Cole
She hit rock bottom after her drug addiction, and then rebounded with this fireplace-friendly ballad that featured her late father. Natalie Cole's sort-of remake was the first of many unfortunate songs to feature copy-and-paste vocals from two different eras. (A. Rodriguez)

'Something About the
Way You Look Tonight'

Elton John

'You Don't
Bring Me Flowers'

Neil Diamond
and Barbra Streisand

'In Your Eyes'
Peter Gabriel

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