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Back to Section One | Back to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, December 23, 2011 - Volume 39 Issue 51
General Gayety: Helping out on the resolution front
Section One
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General Gayety: Helping out on the resolution front

by Leslie Robinson - SGN Contributing Writer

I've taken the liberty of composing New Year's resolutions for individuals who are just too busy to do it themselves.

Newt Gingrich
1. Lose weight.
2. Win the Republican nomination.
3. Win the presidential election.
4. Gloat.

Mitt Romney
1. Win the Republican nomination.
2. Win the presidential election.
3. Sentence Newt Gingrich to Devil's Island.

Herman Cain
1. Land a gig on FOX.
2. See a marriage counselor with Gloria.
3. Find a new piece of chicken on the side.

Rick Santorum
1. Lose the Republican nomination.
2. Sulk.

Michele Bachmann
1. Win the Republican nomination.
2. If that fails, angle for the vice-presidential nomination.
3. Confront Marcus once and for all.
4. Introduce legislation removing all Gay people to Key West - at least Marcus will be warm.

Marcus Bachmann
1. Reconcile my faith, my orientation, and my choices.
2. Not.

Rick Perry
1. Burn the jacket I wore in the anti-Gay video.
2. Remain firmly ignorant about everything.

Ron Paul
1. Lose the Republican nomination.
2. Declare Houston a new libertarian nation.
3. Deny foreign aid to Dallas.

Jon Huntsman
1. Come from behind, way behind, and win the Republican nomination.
2. Failing that, accept a cabinet post - in the Obama administration.

Fred Karger
1. Be denied entry to the Republican National Convention.
2. Lose the Republican nomination.
3. Start planning for 2016.

Sarah Palin
1. Get Todd his own reality show on snowmobile racing.
2. Win the Arizona Senate seat.
3. See Russia from Scottsdale.

Donald Trump
1. Convince the world I'm the most important person in it.

Barack Obama
1. Recapture the White House.
2. Work on my place in history.
3. Resume smoking, no matter what Michelle says.

Michelle Obama
1. Campaign like crazy.
2. Urge America to support Iraq veterans.
3. Rotate my crops.

Bo Obama
1. Locate an irreplaceable White House antique and eat it.

John Boehner
1. Do my part to get a Republican in the White House.
2. Perfect my tan so Sports Illustrated has to ask me to model in the swimsuit issue.

Barney Frank
1. Serve effectively in Congress until my final term in finished.
2. Try not to laugh when people suggest I lead the HRC.

Tammy Baldwin
1. Win Wisconsin's tough Senate race.
2. Publicly downplay that I'm the first openly Gay U.S. Senator.
3. Privately tingle all over.

Angela Merkel
1. Save the European Union.
2. Vacation anywhere but Greece.

Pope Benedict XVI
1. Continue leading the Church backwards.
2. Convince God I'm too valuable to be called home.

Grethe Cammermeyer
1. Make sure certain persons know I'm available to serve on the Joint Chiefs.

Steve Jobs
1. Reveal to the world that my consciousness now resides in Apple's latest product, the iMback.

Kim Kardashian
1. Become a spokesperson for Gay marriage rights, even if they don't want me.

Chaz Bono
1. Appear on several reality shows.
2. Question reality.

Tinky Winky
1. Haunt Rick Perry by being Photoshopped in with him as often as possible.

Jerry Sandusky
1. Go down fighting.
2. Go down lying.

Ian McKellen
1. As The Hobbit is edited, check to make sure I'm not being upstaged by Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur.

Jane Lynch
1. Write another book.
2. Host more awards shows.
3. Star in Glee and appear in other shows.
4. Continue doing ads.
5. Throw in a movie.
6. Avoid a nervous breakdown.

Leslie Robinson hasn't gotten around to fashioning her own resolutions. If you have suggestions, email her at lesarobinson@gmail.com. Read more of her work at www.generalgayety.com.

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