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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, July 12, 2013 - Volume 41 Issue 28
Unfriendly benefits
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Unfriendly benefits

by D Smith - Special to the SGN

Dear D,

I've been seeing this guy off and on for the last 4 years. We dated seriously for about a year, but then it turned into friends with benefits situation. I would like for him to re-commit to a steady long term relationship, but he always comes up with a reason not to.

We have a hard time getting along outside of having sex. At times it seems like that is all we have in common. Don't get me wrong, the sex is good, sometimes mind blowing. He knows just how to touch me like no man ever has.

When things are good, we get along - our conversations are so heart felt and I feel like no one knows me better than he does. But if I say something that he does not agree with, it gets taken to the extreme. It's an emotional roller coaster on the crazy train. One moment we may be sitting on the couch cuddling, but if I don't want to watch what he wants to watch, he will just get up and leave, just walk out and then text me to tell me how rude I was for not being courteous to him. He then starts cursing at me through text, degrading and belittling me. Things like I am nothing, ugly, fat, what a loser you are. Then, I just don't know how to feel any more about it. It's so much back and forth that I find myself most of the time being more sad than happy. The truth is, I feel like I am losing my mind dealing with all this.
- Living in a Mental Ward

Dear Living in a Mental Ward,

Matters of the heart are never easy. Thank you for being so open and asking for advice. Love can tug at your heart and cause a flood of emotions which can place you in a state of complete disarray. When we love someone we will go through hell and back for/with them. Love will make you do some crazy things. I want you to know that I hear you. I really hear and understand what you are saying. I have been there myself. You want this love so much that you are willing to do anything to keep it. No matter what the cost. That is a very dangerous situation to place yourself in. Much less keep yourself there.

Self-preservation is the first law of nature. If you do not have peace of mind, what can you offer anyone, including yourself? From what you wrote, it sounds to me as if this man is verbally abusing you. We should never tolerate abuse of any kind, nor make excuses for someone who is being abusive. I'm not saying that you are making excuses for him. I would like to pose a question to you. If someone loves you, would they call you names or make you feel degraded and/or belittled? Love builds you up, not tears you down. Never allow someone else's lack of esteem to take yours away. Our interactions with one another are to add to each other's lives not destroy them.

Sex is not everything! What good is a temporary physical feeling, if you are left an emotional wreck? There are too many sex shops in Seattle for you to be worried about that. You can buy yourself a toy and take care of the physical. It would cost you a lot less to do that, than it would to repair the psychological damage.

Love yourself and love a man that is confident enough to let you be you. A man that is taking the time that is required to get to know you. A man that wants to make sure that you are the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he see before he closes his eyes at night. A man that does care, if you put on a little weight, he understands that's just more of you to love. That if putting on weight begins to bother you, he will join the gym and workout with you. Until then, love yourself. Let this current man know your roller coaster ride is over.

And, as always, stay positive and remember, encourage yourself! - D



Dear D,

Recently, my ex-boyfriend contacted me. He said that he wanted to talk to me. He said he does not feel like we had proper closure with our relationship that ended almost two years ago. I have moved on and am in a wonderful new relationship with a great guy. I am fine with the way the relationship ended, but I want to be decent and do the right thing and help him out. So, I told him I would meet with him, but now I am having second thoughts after remembering how possessive he was, and I don't know how my current boyfriend would feel about it.
- I Should Have Looked Before I Leapt

Dear I Should Have Looked Before I Leapt,

Your courage in asking for advice is greatly appreciated. I can see that you have a wonderful heart to care for those in your life. Never lose that. It sounds like you have placed yourself in quite the predicament. What alarms me is why you did not inform your current boyfriend about this prior to making arrangements with your ex? Obviously, you are concerned about how he would feel about the situation or you would not have mentioned it. It is important to be open and honest with one another and keep nothing hidden. These types of mishaps can cause a whirlwind of problems. How would you feel if you were at this meeting and he just happened to come across the two of you. Innocent as it may be, still, appearances can be everything.

Your heart is in the right place. I would suggest taking the time to talk with your boyfriend and explain the situation to him. Even asking him to come along with you, allowing him the opportunity to be part of it. Safety may be an issue, and it's good to have support in any case. Then making any necessary adjustments, such as calling the ex to inform him of a change of venue. Remember, what is in the past is in the past. If your current boyfriend does not wish for you to meet with your ex, respect that. Try to find a happy medium. Maybe a phone conversation would work best in situations like this.

It is a safe, convenient way, that is respectful and courteous to all involved. It shows your ex that you care enough about him as a person to help him in his journey to obtain closure. Yet are being respectful in your current relationship so you are not over stepping any boundaries. And, let's not forget, talking on the phone is safe. You are not placing yourself in a possibly dangerous situation, and if things get out of hand, you can just disconnect the call.

Hope this helps. Stay positive and remember encourage yourself! - D

Life problems bringing you down? Have a burning question? Can't tell your girlfriend? Hit me up! E-mail ?KikiWithD@hush.com.

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