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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, August 23 2013 - Volume 41 Issue 34
Kiki with D: Change is in the air
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Kiki with D: Change is in the air

by D Smith - SGN Contributing Writer

Dear D,

I recently got engaged to my longtime boyfriend. When we first started dating, he was very attentive and passionate. Then everything was nice and I was willingly receptive of all the attention. We would spend nights together, go out to dinner, stay up all night just talking to each other on the phone. We would have a lot of fun.

Now, however my feelings have shifted and I don't feel the same. Lately, everything that he does seems to get on my nerves. Before we got engaged, I would come and go as I pleased. Nothing was ever said, or even thought about, or so I guessed. Now, whenever I leave the room he asks me where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's like I'm on a bad version of Perry Mason. I mean, who is this person? What did you do to my love, and how do I get him back?

This behavior is getting old fast. I refuse to live the rest of my life with someone who is constantly questioning me and watching my every move as if he cannot trust me. I don't understand why he is now being so insecure. When we were dating he was so confident, now it's like I don't even know him.

I love him and just want my old Boo back. - Bug-A-Boo


Dear Bug,

I appreciate you for opening up to such a personal matter and seeking advice. I can see that this is weighing heavy on your heart. Let me first start by saying thank you for sharing. That fact that you are willing to seek advice really shows how much you care. One thing I know is change is one constant in life. With that being said we have to understand that there are stages of change and try to recognize what stage he is in. He could be freaking out or just scared or concerned about things, and this is his way of dealing with it.

You are getting married and that is a huge step to take. Just the thought of marriage can sometimes cause a person to act out in ways we never thought possible. Remember we are all different and have different coping mechanisms.

Have you taken the time to sit down with him and have a conversation about his recent changes in behavior? If not, take this opportunity to open up dialog that will enable you to have a solid platform to communicate with each other effectively. Set the atmosphere so that it is warm and inviting for him to be comfortable enough that it will inspire him to open up.

Talk to him about the recent changes in his behavior and how it's affecting you. Sometime we don't see changes in ourselves, and it takes others to tell us about them. Remember to be open to whatever he has to say and truly listen with your heart, not just your head. Take special consideration that the bond for your marriage starts here in the foundation that the two of you are creating together. This is what will keep you together when the hard times come and will give your relationship longevity.

Communication is the key - always try to remain open to the other person sowing the seed of love. Remind yourself that this is the one, the one I have chosen to spend my life with. This man is the love I have waited for. I always remember what my 'Big Mama' use to say, 'Love is only as strong as you make it, and you're only going to get out of it what you put into it.'

So, love one another, and treat each other with respect and love. Sow seeds of understanding, knowing that you are individuals and have individual needs. Be there for one another, lean on each other when necessary. Understand that it's not always going to be a bed of roses, but have patience with each other and place yourselves in the mindset that when you speak to each other you are speaking to the person you love. Let that love guide you and keep you.

I hope this helps. Stay encouraged; love yourself and all those around you. - D

Dear D,

I have a friend who is like a little brother to me. We spend a lot of time together. He didn't grow up in the best of circumstances. He was in and out of trouble most of his childhood, mostly due to him making decisions that were not in his best interest. If we would go to the store he would rather steal something than pay for it, even when he had the money.

This was not typical behavior for him but, you get the point. Normally, he is an alright stand-up kind of guy. Lately he's been hanging out with people who are doing things that I don't want to be associated with. I have mentioned to him that when he is around these individuals I don't want to hang out, but he then gets offended. He says that I am 'not being his friend.' I try to explain to him how I feel, but he just is not understanding the position he is putting me in.

The last incident: we were hanging out Friday night having a good time, just the two of us. While walking down the street to the next venue, we ran into some of his other friends. They exchanged pleasantries and asked what he was doing. He said that we were just hanging and then asked them if they would like to come along. He had no thought to even ask me if I wanted to hang out with them and he knows that I don't. We go to the next spot and I conveniently make an exit when everyone is on the dance floor. When we spoke again he didn't even ask about it. It was like he didn't care, he expected it.

We have known each other a long time and I don't want to lose a good friend, but I don't want to continue to be a doormat either.


- Used But Not Yet Abused Dear Used,

My heart goes out to you. I, too, have been in this very same situation and know how difficult a place it is to be in. I applaud you for your courage to ask for advice. The love you have for your friend is very apparent to me and he is lucky to have you.

I agree this is not the best of positions to be in, when your close friend has other friends you do not want to associate with, but this is the way of the world today. From the sound of things, you have forgotten you have options. Remember the old Boy Scout rule: always be prepared. Have Plan B ready if and/or when you hang out with him again. Find out what your other friends are doing that night just in case, so you won't have to end your night because something like this happened.

Being on the outside looking in, there are more important things to be concerned about. You really need to ask yourself if you want to hang out with someone who does not respect you or value your time or company. Friendships sometimes just run their course and it's time to move on. We can and do outgrow relationships. This is a part of life. Remember, people come in and out of our lives for many different reasons. It's up to you to figure out what that reason is and know when it is time to move on.

Everything that happens in life is to help us grow and prosper. If something is hindering you, then it's time for you to do some pruning and get rid of or let go of the things that don't mean you well. Things that are keeping you from being the best person you can be. This process is not easy - we sometimes have to do things that we don't necessarily want to do but need to. We must do these things for growth to take place.

If your friend is not treating you with the love and respect that you are giving them, then that is a problem. In reading your letter I can feel your pain that you are not being respected - you are not getting out of the friendship what you are putting in and that is a problem for you. If there are things in your life that you don't like, you are the only one with the power to change this.

Remember, everything in life has value and we need to treat it with its proper connotative value. Time is the most precious commodity that we have - it is priceless. If you or your time is not being valued, why would you subject yourself to someone can't or won't value it? Know your worth, know yourself, and be true to you.

I hope this helps. Stay encouraged; love yourself and all those around you. - D

Life problems bringing you down? Have a burning question? Can't tell your girlfriend? Hit me up! KikiWithD@gmail.com

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