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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, January 3 2014 - Volume 42 Issue 01
Jealousy or insecurity?
Section One
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Jealousy or insecurity?

by D Smith - SGN Contributing Writer

Dear Kiki with D,

I've been dating a great guy since early spring. We want the same things in life and have had some amazing times together. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, and he surrounds himself with friends, whereas I have a handful of very close friends. One thing I love about him is that he reaches out to friends and family and is a very generous, thoughtful person.

The thing is, his ex recently moved to town and she is part of his tight-knit group of friends from back in college. I have expressed jealousy and concern over her presence in his life. She is engaged, but my worry isn't about her doing anything. My deepest fear is that he is fooling himself and that he still has a special feeling for her that will keep us from being able to forge something new.

Maybe this is because I have never remained good friends with an ex and need to be more open-minded. Maybe it is because this is an especially close group of friends and I don't feel like I fit in.

Should I just work to get over my jealousy since he has assured me again and again that I have nothing to worry about? Or, since the jealousy really stems from my insecurities, is this something that will be impossible for me to get past until I take time to be by myself?

Some people say that it is OK to be friends with an ex; others say it can't be done without there being some kind of intimate feelings there. What do you think? Can I get past my jealousy? Do I have something legitimate to worry about?

Thanks.

-Jealousy or Insecurity


Dear Jealousy or Insecurity,

Yes. That's exactly what you should do.

This woman is engaged. And you have been with your boyfriend for months, so you've already forged something new. Sure, he'll always have special feelings for her, because she's a part of his history, but he has special feelings for you, too - and he's with you now. Exes can be friends. Not always, but sometimes. It doesn't sound like you have much to worry about here.

Your real issue is his community, and yes, hanging out with a significant other's friends can be intimidating. Maybe you can try to get to know these people at small dinners, in groups of twos and threes. Also, feel free to bring one of your own friends when you're invited out with your boyfriend's clique. Having a familiar face by your side might make it easier to get social with others.

Have some dinner parties or create events that will allow you to gather together so that you will have the opportunity to mingle and get to know one another.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

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