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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, February 7 2014 - Volume 42 Issue 06
Kiki with D: Confused in Everett
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Kiki with D: Confused in Everett

Dear Kiki with D,

Hi there!

I met a guy roughly two years ago online and we eventually went out and continued seeing each. We did have sex early on, but after not knowing our status for six months, I cut that part out, but he is still around.

I don't understand why, because I'm not his girlfriend or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm just an option for him.

He'll stand me up and no calls, no nothing. Then months later, he'll return. I really don't get the reason he keeps coming back, if sexual stuff isn't involved.

Recently, I saw him and I asked if he was happy being single and if anything with us will ever happen. He answered that he gets freaked out when he starts to get attached.

I haven't heard from him since (oops), but I have no doubt that he will be back. My question is, why does he come back if he doesn't want a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship and if there isn't sex involved? Also, how do I not freak him out about the relationship stuff when he returns? I want him to feel comfortable talking to me, but also I want more with him relationship-wise, and I don't know how to let that be known without scaring him to death.

-Confused in Everett


Dear Confused in Everett,

He keeps you around because he likes to have a bullpen. He probably has a number of you waiting in the wings - some for sex, some for comfort, and some with potential for more.

You can either cut him off or be honest with him and accept that you might freak him out. Next time you hear from him, tell him, 'I've thought about what you said, but I'm interesting in dating and maybe having a partner. If we can't date and enjoy ourselves, this isn't worth my time.'

You've done a lot of worrying about his motivation and comfort level. It's exhausting, isn't it? Stop worrying so much about him and start worrying more about yourself. Make a list of what you want from a guy and ditch the suitors who can't meet your needs.

Your letter doesn't explain why this man is such a prize. Something tells me he isn't. I would have recommended thinking about maintain a friendship, but I don't think that's wise. Things are complicated enough without blurring the lines any further. At this point I think it's best to keep things simple.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

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