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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, March 28 2014 - Volume 42 Issue 13
Kiki with D
Section One
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Kiki with D

Dear Kiki with D,

I need help. I found out my long-term boyfriend who I was living with was cheating on me. How long it had been going on and how many times I don't really know and I don't want to know.

Regardless, I packed my things, moved out, and ended it. Or tried to end it.

I started dating other people as a means to distract myself from missing him, but it just backfired on me and left me missing him more, even though he cheated on me.

We now hang out pretty frequently and he wants to get back together. He has really shown me that he is trying to be better by doing little things that he knows will make me happy. Right now things between us are going great. But I am still so worried that if we get back together he will cheat on me again.

I know I am probably crazy to go back to someone who cheated, and everyone says 'once a cheater, always a cheater,' but I think he saw how badly he messed up when I moved out and started dating other people.

So, what should I do? Give him a second chance or move on completely?

-Burnt Boy in Bellevue


Dear Burnt Boy in Bellevue,

I don't believe in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing. Many couples can move past this kind of betrayal. But in your case, something is missing - and it seems to be the gory details. You have no idea what this guy did or how long he was doing it. You say that you don't want to have this information, but how can you decide whether it's worth sticking around, if you don't understand what happened and why? You can't take him back until you know what went down and why he wants a second chance. If you don't get the story, you're going to fill in your own narrative - and it probably won't be accurate.

It's great that he's being nice to you, but nice isn't necessarily honest. Tell him that you need to talk about what happened during the cheat. After you get his story, you can decide whether you want to forgive or just walk away.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

Dear Kiki with D,

I am a 30-year-old working professional whose last serious relationship ended a little over two years ago. I gave myself some time to heal from what was a very rough break up (he was controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic), as well as learn from it, grow, get in touch with myself, and clear my head. I vowed to never date that type of person again, made myself aware of the warning signs, and have done quite well so far avoiding this sort of situation. A part of this process has included allowing myself to date different guys in order to better assess what it is I want in a partner. I believe that I have fully moved on from my last relationship and am a much healthier, focused, and happier person as a result.

The reason I am writing to you is because I first met 'John' through an online dating website in September. Since our first date, we see each other every week, sometimes up to three times per week. We have even taken a weekend trip away together. We have a lot in common, similar values and work ethic, and get along really well. He treats me with respect and kindness, and is really sweet and funny. It's really refreshing to be around him.

My qualm lies in the fact that we have never officially put a title on our relationship, discussed our status on dating other people, or deleting online profiles (I took the liberty to delete mine on my own because I am happy dating only him, but didn't tell him). Truthfully, I am afraid to bring it up, in part because we are having fun and still getting to know each other, and also in part because I do not want to rush anything and scare a potentially great guy off. One of my trustworthy friends thinks he could be keeping me in a holding pattern, meaning that he knows I may not be the 'one,' but he keeps me around because he enjoys my company for time being. While I think that we have been dating only a short time, I can't help but wonder if this is going anywhere, or if I am just being strung along. His actions don't suggest so (he never mysteriously disappears and is free every weekend to be with me), but eventually I would like this to go some somewhere if we do continue to see each other.

What are your thoughts? Do I simply need to put on my big-boy pants and talk to him? Or should I let things flow the way they have been and simply enjoy it for now? Do I let him make the first move? Perhaps the snail pace is a good thing?

-Bewildered in Bremerton


Dear Bewildered in Bremerton,

You called it. It's big-boy pants time. You've been dating this guy for six months. You're allowed to ask for a status update.

One thing to consider: At no point in this letter do you suggest that John is someone you'd like to be with forever, so keep that in mind. Yes, you like him and he's super nice, but you don't know him well enough to make any big decisions. Talking to him about where you stand is just another way to figure out what he's like in a long-term relationship. Can he discuss uncomfortable things? Does the talk bring you closer? If not, you'll have some answers. If you scare him away, he's just not the right guy.

And really, it doesn't sound like you're moving at a snail's pace - not with three visits a week. All you're doing is avoiding the talk. It's time to make it happen.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

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