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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, April 11 2014 - Volume 42 Issue 15
Kiki with D
Section One
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Kiki with D

Dear Kiki with D,

I started seeing someone exclusively a year ago. We met through a dating website and hit it off. He was new to the area and we started to see each other a few times a week, spent weekends together, went on trips, etc. We got along really well.

About 10 months into the relationship, he went back home for a few days for the first time since moving here. The entire time we had been dating, we never discussed religion. Although I was brought up Catholic and attended Catholic school for most of my life, I have considered myself to be an agnostic. He was raised as a Christian by very conservative and evangelical parents. But after moving to college, he became more liberal and Christianity became a lot less important in his life.

Anyway, he went to church with his parents while visiting and had an epiphany of sorts. He decided that God and Christianity are an incredibly important part of his life. When he came back from visiting home, he told me that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn't Christian. This was very unexpected for me. I decided to re-open myself to Christianity and to explore some of the doubts I had.

Things were looking promising for us until he told me that he no longer wants to have premarital sex, no exceptions. He believes sex is sacred and only for marriage. We are both 25 and I don't see myself getting married for another four to five years. I strongly believe that sex is essential in a long-term, exclusive relationship and told him that this was a deal-breaker for me.

He is very upset about this. He argues that abstaining from sex shouldn't break a relationship when both parties are in love.

Before he became abstinent, I could honestly see myself marrying him down the road (and vice versa). Am I being unfair for leaving him solely based on no-sex? It really hurts me to know that he feels I'm being unfair and selfish to breakup over this.

-Am I Being Unfair?
Dear Am I Being Unfair?

You're not being unfair. You have a legitimate reason to break up with this man. If you want sex and he doesn't, this isn't going to work.

When you started this relationship, you had similar philosophies about religion (at the very least, they meshed), but he changed his priorities and now you're incompatible. You saw yourself marrying him, but he's no longer the 'him' you knew months ago. Tell him that your religious interests just don't match anymore, and that while you're open to more religion in your life, you'll never rule out premarital sex.

He might call you selfish, but that doesn't mean he's right. Your gut knows best. Trust in that. Life is constant change when things change we have to adapt to those changes.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

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