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Dicks in a box: An Uptown mystery

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Photo courtesy of Nextdoor
Photo courtesy of Nextdoor

Queen Anne is a classy neighborhood full of families and older Seattle residents who enjoy some of the finer aspects of the city: theater, a good book paired with a cup of coffee, and a cozy night in. Perhaps some enjoy that last one a bit more than you might expect.

On Monday, August 16, residents of a charming co-op in Lower Queen Anne were surprised to find an interesting package left near their mailroom: a box of realistic-looking dildos: two unpackaged, and possibly used ones, as well as "one very large one still in its wrapper." And some competition frisbees.

While the co-op is looking to go more meat free, this might not be what they had in mind.

"Who let the cocks out?!" wrote Queen Anne resident Ruth Matson on a popular neighborhood website, Nextdoor. "Good morning, Queen Anne! It appears that some poor soul has been separated from their play toys? Did you or someone you know lose a box of cocks?"

When asked about her reaction to the mysterious package, Matson laughed. "Oh, I thought it was hysterical. My co-op neighbor [had] texted me and said, 'If you want to have a good laugh, go out to the mailboxes right now.'"

She found the box, in all of its glory, and snapped a picture that has now been shared all across the website. "I just had to post it to Nextdoor, because it's so uptight, especially here in Queen Anne."

It seems like the dildos are helping loosen all kinds of things up in Queen Anne, one-liners in particular, as so far, most residents have responded to the post in good humor. "A lot of Dickens going on in Queen Anne," Matson contributed, as the comments and jokes flooded in. "You're allowed to have hens but not cocks within the City of Seattle. Or so I've been told," posted resident Rebecca Blanton. "Sorry if you got stuck between a cock and a hard place," quipped Phinney resident Cheryl Meyers.

Others ostensibly worried about physical danger, like Domino Hawks of West Woodland, who wrote, "Heavens!... Someone could trip and fall on one of those," to which Alan Brown of Capitol Hill responded, "Repeatedly."

Some residents were concerned about neighborhood safety; after all, organizing neighborhood clean-up days can be a pain in the ass. Also, the box was left next to a park with lots of traffic, leading to concerns about hard parental conversations if children were to have spotted the toys.

Others suggested that the box could be connected to a robbery in Ballard; apparently, an adult store was the victim of a breaking and entering a few weeks back. Matson was quick to dismiss those concerns however, saying she did not believe the two events were connected. After all, nobody in Queen Anne has a boner to pick with the Ballard neighborhood.

While the origin of the phallic toys remains a mystery, Matson does have her theories as to how they might have found their way to Queen Anne. "Some poor soul, their burden must have been too heavy and they had to drop it or abandon it. Maybe they were being chased by a tiger? Or maybe it was one of Queen Anne's many rabbits?" Nor does she have any idea who left it. "What a gift, right?" she chuckled.

And the fate of the toys? If you or a loved one have been looking for your lost dildos, this news may be hard to swallow. We regret to inform you that they have been put in the trash. Since they were originally left by the mailboxes, Matson and other residents worried that the friendly Queen Anne postman might not find the present as funny as they had, so the toys were moved elsewhere, surely to be found and repurposed by some very adventurous dumpster divers.

Who would have thought a box full of cocks would be just what the neighborhood needed to find camaraderie and a good laugh? And who knows? Maybe Amazon is erecting a new promotion. "Alexa, I said socks not cocks!" Matson called toward her virtual assistant.