As a lifetime purveyor of cinematic, literary, and enthusiastically oral filth, Baltimore's own John Waters should need no introduction ─ but in any case, I just gave him one. The legendary "Prince of Puke," who at 78 shows no signs of easing up on the gas , brings the annual A John Waters Christmas to the Neptune Theatre on December 3-4.

And you'll find his new Christmas single, "John Waters Covers The Singing Dogs' "Jingle Bells" / "It's A Punk Rock Christmas" out now on Seattle's own Sub Pop label.


Andrew Hamlin: What are your favorite stories of taking the Christmas show to the masses?

John Waters: It's completely new every year, I'm memorizing it right now. That's the tedious part, memorizing a new 70-minute show.

People with stories, they tell me in the question-and-answer period, often about the tree falling over. That's a very common thing that happens in houses. It usually involves liquor or pets.

The one thing I hate is when people wear blinking corsages in the audience, 'cause I think it's forbidden video cameras.


AH: Any thoughts on Seattle?

JW: I've always had really good audiences out there. Dina Martina is my favorite. We always came to each other's shows. I like the weather. I like when it rains - I don't mind it. Some of the most original styles and fashions come from there. Lots of riots and rebellion too!


AH: Your current Christmas sobriquets are "St. Nick the Dick, Father Fistmas, and Kris Kingleberries." Did you write all these yourself?

JW: Of course. Nobody else's ever written my material, ever. I guess Kris Kingleberries would be a newer, fresher, title.


AH: I noticed the A-side of your new Christmas single is very short...

JW: Well, no novelty records are long! And the B-side is longer.


AH: Do you remember hearing the original, growing up?

JW: Oh, they still play it, and it's the most hideous Christmas carol ever! Everybody changes the channel. That's why I wanted to do it. And this is probably the worst cover record ever done. That's why it says "Please don't listen to this record."


AH: Is your record on the charts?

JW: The charts ─ what are the charts? I get Billboard, they don't even have a chart anymore. It depends on whose chart. At Atomic Books in Baltimore, yes!


AH: I read your Shock Value book many years ago, and I noticed a very cute picture of a tiny John Waters, speaking with Santa. Do you recall those visits?

JW: Yeah, it was always Hutzler's Department Store, in Towson, [Maryland,] where I grew up. I probably believed in Santa, in that picture. What made me not believe in him was that every Christmas Eve, everybody went down to the town square and lit the tree. And Santa came, but I could see it was the man who lived two doors up from me. I could tell it was him! That's when I knew something was up.

And I didn't want to tell my parents, because then they'd be upset, but that was one of my first rebellious things. I always thought the Easter Bunny was so low-class, you know ─ you had to search around for what, a hard-boiled egg? I thought the Easter Bunny was Santa's enemy.


AH: So you would've taken Santa's side in that fight?

JW: I would've, yes.


AH: Over the years, what have been your favorite Christmas presents?

JW: A cashmere blanket Divine gave me, that I still have. You should never have cashmere in your home because it means "Attention, all moths, come here for Woodstock!" But I still use it sometimes, for the chill.

God knows where he got it, he could never have afforded it. He might have shoplifted it. And that comes to the question: Are shoplifted gifts more personal? Do they mean more? You take a risk ─ but you take a risk when you go into credit card debt during Christmas. I'm not pro-stealing, especially because of small businesses.

I always like books, rare books, weird books that people give me. I think everybody should just buy everybody books for Christmas. That should be the only gift. I think the biggest insult is when you get a gift card. People think you're so stupid you don't have any interests.

I still buy CDs. I'm one of the oldest people that do that, but then I put them in my Sonos, which causes technical trouble. I don't really ask people to give me music, because they give me streaming ─ that's like a weird present. I do have a list of books that people can get from my office, if they're looking for a present.


More information about A John Waters Christmas can be found at https://www.stgpresents.org/events/a-john-waters-christmas