Words cannot describe Dina Martina. Or perhaps more accurately, valiant wordsmiths the world over scrape their barrels of simile, metaphor, and adjective, in their noble quests to describe her.

Allow me please, dear reader, this humble stab at such: Like Ronald McDonald hit by a Cragmont Diet Chocolate Mint Soda truck then held captive by Scientologists, she simply has to be experienced to be believed.

Broad of visage, smeared of lipstick, built like a midnight Milwaukee bowler with a belly full of borscht, our local heroine rapidly claimed the title Worst Drag Queen of All Time. Except that her show transcends drag as it ushers viewers into an alternate dimension, where she transmogrifies bad into good and horrible into fabulous, as in her insistence on "faux velour" for her furnishings, and her long-suffering offspring Phoebe (pronounced "Pho-EBB-ee") remains forever mute against the sweet dysfunctions of Mommie Dearest.

Dina brings the latest iteration of her long-running Christmas Show to the ACT Theatre December 6─24. She was fabulous enough to take some questions over email.


Andrew Hamlin: What are your first Dina Martina memories? Do any of them involve faux velour?

Dina Martina: Well, I suppose all of my memories are Dina Martina memories, since that's been my name since birth. I was born in the Appalachian Mountains, but I don't remember it. My mother swaddled me in, you guessed it, velour, and we moved to Las Vegas so she could pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a compulsive gam-bler. My father died in childbirth, so he wasn't able to go with us.


AH: Did you know from the start how fabulous you were, or did that take time?

DM: Quite honestly, I don't think it'll really sink in until my autopsy.


AH: What did your teachers at school think of you? Did they understand your fabulousness, or did that prove a struggle?

DM: I don't think they really understood me, because the comments they wrote on my report cards were always things like "Dina daydreams constantly" and "Dina is falling into a serious position. She answers every question with a 'What?'" and stuff like that.


AH: Who influenced you the most, so far as singing, dancing, acting, comedy, and the important of faux velour?

DM: Without a doubt, it was Soupy Sales. Now, I realize a lot of your readers are too young to know who Soupy Sales was, so for them, I'll just say that he was sort of the "Mort Sahl" of his era.


AH: You first stepped on stage at Seattle's Center on Contemporary Art, in 1989. How did that show go?

DM: Quite well, thanks. It was more surreal than anything, because the audience watched the performers through peepholes in the wall. We really couldn't see them at all from the stage, so it was kind of like the pods in Love Is Blind.


AH: Do you ever feel stage fright?

DM: I don't ever feel stage fright, but sometimes I do get that anal reflux.


AH: How has your fabulousness grown and changed over the years?

DM: Oh, it changes daily. It's like the tide, really, because it reaches highs twice every day and then it has some pretty awful lows too, and those seem to happen only when I'm onstage.


AH: Any makeup and fashion tips for folks who want to be as fabulous as you are?

DM: Yes! Always wear your black pumps during cold and flu season, and your white pumps during flea and tick season. Another thing I've always adhered to is the advice of Coco Chanel, who famously said, "Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take everything off." Also very important: Rouge your hips.


AH: Your Facebook page says you've recently played San Diego, San Francisco, Palm Springs, New York City, and Los Angeles ─ though possibly not in that order. How do those cities compare and contrast with each other for you?

DM: Pretty well.


AH: Does San Francisco really have most of the fabulous people in the world, or is this just myth?

DM: It really does, but they're all homebodies, so I never see them.


AH: What cities are the best and the worst for the Dina Martina experience, and why?

DM: I can't really pick a favorite city because there are so many great ones, but boy, Pyongyang was a low point.

AH: What are your best, worst, and wackiest stories of bringing Dina Martina to the world - which tours, cities, venues, etc.?

DM: Hm, let's see...one of the best was definitely performing on the roof of the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 2019. One of the worst was the one cruise I performed on, because I got seasick (not during the show, thank goodness). One of the wackiest was when I did a show at the Tacoma Art Museum, which oddly enough received one of the best audience responses I've ever gotten. Go figure!


AH: Have you ever toured overseas? If so, how do people there respond to you?

DM: Yes, I've performed in London many times, and the audiences are always wonderful. I love how they laugh with a British accent.


AH: Anyone ever start a fistfight? Anyone ever jump onstage to shower you with hugs and kisses and fabulousness? Anyone ever do both?

DM: Neither one of those have ever happened, but quite often there's a stampede to get out of the building.


AH: You obviously keep voluminous scrapbooks of your notices! Are you ever worried they'll fall through the floor?

DM: Oh I'm not worried at all. They came in real handy during [the pandemic], when the stores were out of toilet paper.


AH: What are your own personal favorite notices? I'm going with the dear departed Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "As graceful as a Coke machine moving about on a hand truck."

DM: Yes, I do love that one, but some other favorites are "She looks like Liz Taylor and Liza Minnelli hit with a brick" and also "Her face looks like the collision of a Maybelline truck with a Shoney's buffet."


AH: You've shared bills with Margaret Cho, Alan Cumming, Chita Rivera, and Nina Hagen. What can you dish about their fabulousness?

DM: Margaret is so wonderful and sweet, but Alan is sweet and wonderful. Chita was absolutely s'wonderful, and Nina Hagen was Nina Hagen.


AH: Your audience members have included John Waters, Jennifer Coolidge, Bette Midler, Eric Idle, Graham Norton, Whoopi Goldberg, Matt Stone. What can you dish about their fabulousness?

DM: They were all neat.

AH: Your daughter Phoebe must be in her thirties by now! Will she still be part of your act? Will she ever strike out on her own?

DM: She's 11, and let me tell you: she just shines. But she's also a handful. She's a shining handful.


AH: Please share your thoughts on winning, and not winning, the Stranger's Genius Award for Theater plus three Seattle Times Footlight Awards (winning), and the Alpert Award in Theater, a SPIT Award for Best Solo Show, and two GLAAD Media Awards for Outstanding Off-Off Broadway Theater (not winning).

DM: Winning the Stranger's Genius Award was neat because of the money, but it was also delicious because they gave out cakes. The Seattle Times Footlight Awards were so amazing because they print your name in the paper. I can't really say much about the other ones be-cause you know what they say: "It's an honor just to win."


AH: What fabulousnesses can we expect from the new Christmas show?

DM: You can expect any kind of fabulousness you want, but the show isn't written yet, so I really have no idea.


AH: Years ago I noticed that Timothy Leary was an old friend of yours! Did he leave you any more of his special sweet sugar cubes?

DM: Oh, he wasn't actually a friend; he was merely an admirer. He saw me perform in Reno and then wrote a fan letter, and that was when he very generously included some magical sugar cubes. Boy, that really made for an interesting show.


AH: What's in the future for the Dina Martina experience? More globetrotting? More fabulousness? More faux velour?

DM: After the first of the year, I'm going into the studio to record my new album Dina Martina: A Reason to Celibate [sic], which I'm very excited about. I'm also thinking about doing a one-woman gender-swap passion play, but I'm not sure yet. And you know what I'd really love is to volunteer to help marginarized [sic] communities, you know, maybe bring them some chocolate pudding or something.