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How to have your Hot Queer Summer while being hopelessly depressed: A guide for LGBTQ+ Seattleites

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Photo by Kampus Production / Pexels
Photo by Kampus Production / Pexels

It's June in Seattle! The mountain's out again, the birds are chirping, and, if you're like me, you've discovered that it wasn't the long, gray spring or record rainfall that's been causing your depression. It's life!

That's right, folks. The world's a mess, and catching some rays at the beach can't stave off the crushing weight that keeps you up at night. But hey! That's no reason not to have a good time this Pride!

Here are a few fun, easy ways to have your Hot Queer Summer despite feeling that one more step down the endless, twisting road of existence might be too much to handle!

Your friends in the cult of Peloton are right. All you need to get out of your funk is a solid three to six hours sweating on a bicycle to nowhere. Is it expensive? You bet it is! And an added plus? An unreasonably attractive, incredibly angry person will scream absurdities at you through a screen the entire time.

Now that's what I call good for your mental health!

If a Peloton subscription or gym membership are outside your budget, work up a sweat explaining to your parents that your job is actually a real job, and you can't move across the country on a whim because they met an editor from their local paper at a party. For a hot, sexy pre-workout warm up, have a quick panic attack before even picking up the phone!

Damn! Are those abs or have you been dry heaving for an hour? Either way, you're looking fine!

Get outside
There's nothing like the sights and smells of a sweltering Seattle summer day to really get your brain back on track! Remember 2020, when nature was healing because no one was driving to work? Well, forget about that! Not only is everyone back on the road, but every out-of-state license plate still means the potential for plague from God knows where.

Maybe it seems like swarms of people from all over had the same idea you did when you decided to walk down to the water for a quick breather on your lunch break. Crowds of inconsiderate tourists are exactly the kind of people you want to be around when you're questioning your entire life's decisions!

So someone's vomiting into the lake you wanted to swim in! Who cares? You're working on your tan, sweetheart! Nothing's gonna break your stride!

Shopping day
You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that the vast majority of Americans think is something you can grit your teeth and smile through. You know what helps with that? Buying things you don't need!

Yep! Nothing fills the hole in your soul quicker than spending money you don't have on trash you couldn't care less about. Sometimes it's organic and free trade, but you can't help thinking there's no ethical consumerism in the current economic climate. But sunglasses are on sale! Choosing apathy for your own sanity has never been so ab-so-lutely sexy. Bring some friends along!

Can't find the strength to get out of bed? Don't worry. Amazon's here for you. Wrestle with your guilt over supporting an openly sinister corporation vs. your need to feel some sort of comfort in a harsh world. Surprise! Another workout! Look at you, keeping toned! Slay!

Explore Seattle's restaurant scene
Nothing says "I'm doing just fine!" quite like eating your feelings. Did your favorite restaurant finally reopen after all the pandemic stuff? Lucky you! Order delivery every day until you're completely sick of it and your credit card is maxed out.

Are you worried the strangers who work at your favorite restaurant will judge you? Use a different delivery app every time you order and pretend they don't recognize your name. Problem solved!

Maybe you feel like going out and treating yourself somewhere other than your humid, messy apartment. Most of these places have air conditioning. You can go anywhere in town and become increasingly aware that you don't know what to do with your hands!

Should you read a book or listen to a podcast? Maybe! But you don't want the waitstaff to think you're addicted to your phone. What if the podcast's funny? What if you laugh out loud, sitting alone in a crowded Italian restaurant? They'll think you're nuts, but at least they'll know you've got a real zest for life!

Try not to think about what that one dick from high school would say about you scarfing down an entire family-sized linguine alle vongole by yourself. Body image issues? Who's heard of 'em? Not you! You're full of clams and ready for swimsuit season, baby!

Try romance
Whether it's Grindr, Tinder, Hinge, or OkCupid, maybe it's time to listen to that one friend and go get your heart broken again. Sure, Seattle's been ranked worst city in the US to be single multiple years in a row, but how hard could it be? There are so many Gay bars here! When it comes to hangovers, the options are endless!

It's the perfect city for the hopeless romantic. I mean, come on! Sleepless in Seattle was filmed here! What's more romantic than Tom Hanks?

Just looking for a quick hookup? Great! If you can handle countless unanswered messages and accidental swipes, you can definitely handle the escapist fantasy you've built around this one date crumbling after your small talk falls short. What else do you have up your sleeve? Trauma bonding? Maybe! Let's hope they forget the deeply personal things you both shared after they lose your number tomorrow. Some people are really into the whole sad thing, so this is your chance to shine!

If you're in a relationship already, never fear! You can still have fun never deciding what to do with your mutual days off until one of you is called into work to cover because of the ongoing Great Resignation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Right you are, babe. Besides, lonely is IN, and you're doing GREAT.

You got this!
You're now fully equipped with all sorts of options for your full-on, no-holds-barred Hot Queer Summer. The whole world's out there, just waiting for you to slap on something other than sweats. So stop staring at the mold spot on your ceiling, put on some deodorant, and hop to it! Nothing can stop you now! Because of these fantastic suggestions, you're healed!