“Okay, so my roommate got me to do this before I could talk myself out of it,” wrote No_Detective776 to the members of the r/Seattle subreddit last April. “How on earth does a North Seattle aro/ace girl meet other aro/aces not in like… Tacoma? I feel like I can’t be the only outdoorsy, nerdy ace person north of the Space Needle.” 

Finding a community, especially one that matches your sexuality, is easier for some than others. If you’re a Gay man in the city, there’s likely a local bar or club that’s explicitly for you. Lesbians in Seattle are great at organizing their own events, as last year’s performative competitions in Cal Anderson Park taught us. 

If you’re Aromantic (Aro) and/or Asexual (Ace), however, you likely have fewer options to meet more specific needs. Bars and clubs may not appeal to you, especially if it feels like there’s pressure to hook up. Given that Aces and Aros make up just 0.1% of the US population, one-ninth of the estimated number of Transgender Americans, it might feel impossible to find someone like you, just by naturally navigating the world. 

“Many ace people don’t share the fact that they are ace with others, in their day-to-day lives,” wrote loveburp2k16, an outdoorsy ace person who offered to go on a hike with No_Detective776. “I’m often frustrated by the term asexual. When I use that term to describe my sexuality, well-intentioned people genuinely don’t know what it means.”

The barriers grow even higher when you consider dating. Some in the community are genuinely searching for a partner, often for companionship, but this often conflicts with misconceptions that all Aces and Aros are inherently deterred from all forms of sex and romance, or that they’re perfectly comfortable being forever single. 

“To be completely honest, using dating apps as an ace person has, at best, been a waste of time and, at worst, left me feeling dehumanized and completely demoralized,” write loveburp2k16. “I am an open book, but having to regularly justify my existence is a chore.”

That’s why, repeatedly, the Aces we spoke with mentioned the value of the internet in their lives. For all their faults, websites like Facebook, Tumblr, and Reddit are meant for finding people like you and for discussing hobbies and fixations. Unlike the real world, you can easily find Queer folks proudly presenting their identities for others to see. Finding another Ace and/or Aro person like yourself is just a click away. 

“Of all places, I’ve strangely had the most success dating through the Seattle subreddit,” loveburp2k16 told the SGN. “Last year, I met another ace who I did end up regularly going on dates with for around six months. I’m very grateful to have had that experience! I was able to both learn and deconstruct so many things about my identity as an ace person during that time.” 

“I think it was 2014 or ’15 when I came across information [on asexuality] on a Tumblr blog,” said Sara Darlington, who founded and leads a book club for the “Seattle Aces & Aros” Facebook group. “Having the opportunity to read other people’s personal experiences really helped me put things together about my own experiences.”